Guest Post: My Eulogy

Since I haven't written anything on here in like two years, and nothing in my mind is worth being documented for the rest of eternity...please enjoy this guest post from my friend Amy, or as many of you know her by her rave name TheAmyMCR.

I wrote her a dark, a little twisted, slightly belivable eulogy at her request that she posted on her blog, and in turn she wrote me one back. I never found a good time to post it because people in the world kept dying so it seemed to be morbid and disrespectful for me to get a eulogy while I was still alive. Almost like a millionaire winning the lottery.

Luckily I have shut myself off from the outside world for a little bit and it seems to me that nobody has died in the last 48-72 hours. (If somone has, DON'T tell me! NO SPOILERS!)

At the end of this if you ask yourself "Why is Chandra friends with her?" My only response would be "What came first? The chicken or the egg?"

Enjoy.

Chandra's Eulogy
(Stumble on the three steps on the way up to the podium... swear... apologize... adjust your cleavage... Think to yourself that some dude is going to want to bang you because of how big your rack is)

(Raise your glass)
"First and foremost, I don't know who filled Chandra's coffin with ice and threw some brews in there, but good idea."

(Lean down to hear the person in the front row whisper something to me)

"Oh. That was me. You're welcome."

(Stir vodka and club, sip)

"Chandra was a good friend in real life, but she was a great friend in fake life."

(Take a sip of your vodka and club, you deserve it.)

"Chandra's blog provided an insight to her heart and soul, and that empty spot that was left from her childhood traumas. She was funny, in a lonely kind of way. The kind of person who, if you didn't know her, you may dislike. --But not because she's black. She's the kind of black that won't count on your friend list as your black friend. You'll have to find someone blacker.-- Once you knew her, you just wanted to be a part of her world. Mostly because it involved drinking heavily, threesomes, and really good TV shows."

(Gesture to all of her friends present)
"Remember the time that Chandra saved that child who collapsed on the streets of NYC? You're lying. She never did that. Let's not act like she was a humanitarian just because she's dead. She was kind of an asshole.."

(Long swig of vodka and club, reapply Carmex.)
"Listen, Chandra wasn't a sadsack like all you dickheads.. Lets sit this broad up in a chair and spend the next few hours partying with her like she would've wanted."

(Point to the hot dude in the 3rd row and call it like Babe Ruth called his home runs)

"I'll take you."

(Drop the mic, walk off stage, grab the hot dude by his tie, and kiss him. Not a peck but not porn star makeout. It's a funeral.)

Things That Concern Me March 19th, 2013: Spring Breakers

Spring break forr evaaa...
I saw Spring Breakers this past Saturday. I'm not a big movie goer. I'm content with watching the now playing in theaters movies that iTunes has in my own home, in sweats eating a pound of tuna sashimi.

But there was a three fold triangle that made me decide to partake in the popular American pasttime.

1st fold: Ashley Benson, Selena Gomez, and Vanessa Hudgens

I'm a huge Pretty Little Liars, Wizards of Waverly Place*, and High School Musical franchise fan

*Selena Gomez was named after Selena, so in my eyes, Gomez can do no wrong, and I have taken her under my wing and will defend her until her demise.

2nd fold: James Franco. I love him. I loved him since 'Freaks and Geeks'  ...I fell in love with him as Tristan in Tristan and Isolde and he's a super crazy, almost schizo eclectic...and I love that.  Plus...that James Dean thing he's got going for him...

3rd fold: Harmony Korine ...I remember watching  Kids. I can't tell you the entire storyline but I remember I thought about it and it affected me for a long while.

secret 4th fold: It premiered in only LA and New York. It was showing in literally only three theaters in the ENTIRE world, and I was in a city that had one of those theaters. Not to mention ArcLight is like the most comfortable theaters ever. 

I don't know what happened.

I saw Spring Breakers three days ago...I haven't stopped thinking about it, which I read was one writer/director Harmony Korine's goals. Kudos to you, dude. For three days now, the look on my face is as if I'm trying to figure out the hardest math problem in the world in my head.

I think you should see the movie. I don't think you should go see the movie.

It wasn't good. It wasn't bad. It wasn't mediorce. It just...was, I think.

The main gist of the movie: Four college aged girls need money to go to Spring Break. They rob a conveinece store, go to Florida, live the dream, for a bit. They get arrested, a drug dealer/rapper/gangster bails them out. Hilarity, no wait drama, no wait...I dunno... something ensues.

Here's my review:

The first couple minutes of the movie seemed to be sponsored only by Natty Light and boobs. Remember watching MTV Spring Break in Cancun? It was like that if MTV had given all the spring breakers PCP and ectasy. The movie gets better with time I think. I lot happened to me in that movie theater.

The first third of the movie I felt like I was having an outer body experience and watching myself watch this movie. There was also this smirk that kept creeping up on my face, at parts that weren't even smirk-worthy. I'm still not sure if it was a comedy or a drama or an action film. There's this scene where Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens characters are showing Selena Gomez's how they robbed the convenience store. It was weird because there's a brief moment when they are yelling something along the lines of  "GET ON YOUR MOTHER FUCKING KNEES OR I'LL FUCKING KILL!" while pointing their finger guns at her head that I thought to myself..."You should probably get on your knees, I think they are really going to kill you." Spoiler alert: They don't. Their fingers weren't loaded (bada bing!)

The second third of the movie had me starting to get anxious and wondering what would be happening in the next seven minutes and then the next nine minutes after that. Could have really used a Xanax there. Next thing I know I'm thinking about what it would be like to have dinner with James Franco. He comes on screen as a gangster rapper named Alien with his cornrows, tats, and grill and you're like 'this can't be serious'...but it is. And next thing you know, you're kinda like really digging him. There's a monlongue that James' character does that starts with "Look at my sheeyit" that is absolutely amazing. I would totally get that tattooed on my body, granted in a spot no one in a professional setting could see.   

The final third of the film was me just sitting there with kind of a pit in my stomach, staring straight ahead and every so often looking around to see if everyone else was watching what I was watching. There is a scene in the backyard of Alien's mansion that includes a white grand piano, pink ski masks, rifles and one of the best Britney Spears songs ever. After the song ended something inside of me changed. I'm not sure what has changed but I know  that now I'm a completely different person than I was when I heard one of the girls say "Play us a song." four minutes prior on that Saturday evening.

The final moments of the film I had that smirk on my face again, this time a disbeliving one. Screen faded to black and in my head I said "What??" The credits started to roll and it was silent in the theater for a good 15 seconds before anyone even got up out of their seats.

I hope I gave you a clear cut picture of what Spring Breakers is about, and what completely normal emotions you could possibly feel while viewing it.

You should probably go see it, or not.

I don't know why, but I'm almost pretty sure that I'm going to go see it at least two more times.

Hmm, I think I liked it.

Added bonus to you rap fans out there, some dude named Gucci Mane is in it?

An Explanation to You.

To everyone reading this, who aren't the two cute boys this is meant for. Here is a little background.

Driving home from work tonight. I took the backroads through Burbank because the traffic on the freeway was *electrifying. I was stopped at a red light just minding my own business, singing some Cee Lo Green Bright Lights Bigger City. I'm obsessed with that song. It's old but I heard it for the first time this weekend. And you know how all your firsts go, once it happens, you just want more and more of it. (i.e. sip of alcohol, sex, Zac Efron)

*Electrifying said in the voice of John Travolta singing You're the One That I Want.

Anyway, to my right, the driver in the car next to me started mouthing something to me and pointing down. My brain isn't a quick processing mechanism unless its with an insult or pop culture joke. So upon seeing these two super cute guys pointing down and mouthing stuff to me, I of course assume what every cute, milk chocolate, low self esteem, adorkable 20-something girl would assume; they want me to put my car in park, hop in theirs and the three of us will live together in love for the rest of our lives. Well that, or they wanted me to put my car in park, hop in theirs and perform fellatio. I got the latter conclusion from the pointing.

After seven seconds or so I realized they wanted me to roll down my window. Oh. Once step one was accomplished, my brain restarted and it took me another 13 seconds to realize what they were saying to me.

"Burbank Mall. How do we get to the Burbank Mall?"

My brain registered that as, "Oh. Okay. These cute guys want to the mall and take me out to dinner." Four seconds later my brain registered "No you asshole, tell them how to get to the mall."

"Right, brain...right"

"Uh just keep going straight."

Both of the boys smiled, oh so winningly and responded with a warm thank you.

The light turned green and I hit the pedal. Three seconds later my brain said this to me, "You moron that is the complete wrong way to go the mall, you are taking them away from the mall you should have told them to turn right at the light you guys just were at."

"Fuck."

I processed this new piece of information and turned to see that they were a little bit behind me so I slowed down, turned my head to their car, their window was already up so I pointed down trying to get their attention.  One of two things may have happened in that moment.

One - they saw this and thought I was trying to initiate some sexual stuff in my nether region with them and they ignored my advances
or
Two- they didn't notice me.

I had to speed up because I was slowing down traffic behind me. I felt super bad in that moment and I still do. Like worse than when you accidentally kick your friend's baby.

This being the internet and the chances of anything going viral a real possibility, I just want to apologize to you boys incase this post does just that.


Boys-
I'm SOOO sorry for the directions I gave you. My mind blanked in the awe of how gorgeous you both were. I hope you find the mall. The fact that you may never find it is an actual and terrifying fear that has been flooding my brain since this happened. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight because of it.

There are about three 7-11's from where we met until you reach the Burbank Airport, I hope you stopped in one and asked after driving for miles and reaching no mall.

I didn't do this on purpose and I'm terribly, terribly sorry. I hope you somehow see this one day in your lives, and I can make this up to you guys by taking you for fro-yo, or buying you guys a soft pretzel.

I truly hope you find the mall and have a joyous evening there. It's nice, and there's a bunch of stuff to do in Downtown Burbank. Maybe after the mall you can catch a comedy show at Flappers down the street. Orrrrr the three of us can do that the next time our paths cross.

I'm also hoping you didn't ask another cute, milk chocolate, low self esteem, adorkable 20-something girl and my dreams are being had by her as we speak.

Again I can't apologize enough.

Til we meet again....

Yours (one day, eventually),
Chandra T.


P.S. If you do see this, you can contact me on Twitter @theChandraMoore...and we can take it from there.  Good luck and godspeed

My Favorite Songs Playlist - Part 1

Back in my glory days, before my obsessions with The Vampire Diaries,  Zac Efron and pilot season I used to LOVE music. New release music Tuesday was my favorite day of the week. Now on Tuesdays I get stoked in anticipation for an all new episode of Pretty Little Liars. So I'm trying to bring back my music Tuesdays especially since I can't comprehend the fact that Toby is part of the A-team.

Do you miss iTunes Celebrity Playlists? I do. So here is my non-celebrity playlist. Look for this every Tuesday.

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
If you asked me what my five favorite songs of all time are, it would be troubling for me. All I would be able to tell you is that Hallelujah is my all time favorite song, in the world, ever. It's a song that can't be butchered, by anyone who covers it, ever. How can you not be at peace whenever you hear this song? 
Favorite line- The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift

For the Love of a Daughter - Demi Lovato
No one who knows me should be surprised I have a Demi song on this list, maybe they will be surprised at the song. I'm not putting it on here for my dad though, or for my mom (Cornelia J, what up!?) But this song speaks volumes to me and I have never related more to a song than to this one.
Favorite line- So young when the pain had begun, now forever afraid of being loved
Bonus line - And you can't take back what we never had

A Drop In The Ocean - Ron Pope
I nabbed this song from The Vampire Diaries. It's all about hope when there's nothing else left, and hope is pretty dope. Wait. Did I just write a lyric for my first single?
Favorite line-  I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven.

Kiss From a Rose - Seal
I grew up an honorary army brat. When I was born my dad was already retired, but I got the privileges of being a military child. I got to go on the base, so that meant driving 45 minutes back and forth once a month and buying $400 worth of groceries for half the price. On the way home listening to B101, an adult contemporary station, and this song was on heavy rotation, as we stopped on the side of the road to buy Jersey tomatoes and peaches. A great memory.
Favorite line-Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill.

Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
Waking up in 6th grade to go to school, put MTV on when that's what MTV was...you know, music television. Television filled with music. This video was on heavy rotation. The music video for this song may have been one of the first times I started to realize what art could really be.
Favorite line- Tell me I'm the only one. Tell me there's no other one

Angeles - Elliott Smith
This guy was a Godsend. Maybe that's why he's already gone. God was just jealous and wanted him back. This song describes the peacefulness and the chaos of living in Los Angeles.
Favorite line- I could make you satisfied in everything you do

No Such Thing - John Mayer
Well this should be a favorite song, I mean I have a lyric from this song tattooed on me for eternity. This is the song that came out before John's racist penis came to surface...also before his relationship with Jessica Simpson...
Favorite line- Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings and the drama queens. I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve

That’s Alright - Elvis Presley
Elvis' first hit, and the first Elvis song I ever heard and the moment I fell in love with him. Nothing else to say about it.
Favorite line- Mama she done told me..

Hard To Concentrate - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Everyone loves the Chili Peppers, but you can't truly love them until you read Anthony Kiedis' autobiography. I've always been an RCHP fan. It was the first concert I went to that I learned about tailgaiting and nitrous balloons. Naturally I bought every album. When I bought Stadium Arcadium I fell in love with this song with the help of a co-worker from years ago.
Favorite line- All I want is for you to be happy and take this moment to make you my family

Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran
Oh geez. This ginger. He keeps making hit after hit, and they always appear on my TV. Whether it be the CW, commercial or movie. I can't say no. This is a dream song every girl wants a guy to sing to her when they are lying in bed somewhere between the first and 10th date. Depends on commitment issues.
Favorite line- Yeah I've been feeling everything, from hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth, I guess that's how I know you, so I hold you close to help you give it up

Jeremy - Pearl Jam
This is the first music video that ever spoke to me. Even though it had been out for years, I remember watching it in rotation with the Chili Peppers, Smashing Pumpkins and Nada Surf. I never really understood until Columbine though.
Favorite line- Clearly I remember, pickin' on the boy. Seemed a harmless little fuck. But we unleashed a lion...

Mother Mother - The Veronicas
I love The Veronicas, I love this song, and I love this cover. This song was on heavy rotation when I first moved out to LA. Between my mother being mad at me for leaving and worried about my well being this song summed that up.
Favorite line- Yeah, I'm working making money. I'm just starting to build a name. I can feel it, around the corner I could make it any day

Bonus line - Mother mother, can you hear me? Yeah I'm sober, sure I'm sane. Life is perfect, never better still your daughter, still the same

Bonus, bonus line -I miss you, I love you

The Great Pretender - The Platters

I grew up with oldies music playing on the weekends. The Platters were a staple. Its upbeat and sad and fun all at the same time. And fun to dance to, like you're living back in day.
Favorite line- I seem to be what I'm not, you see, I'm wearing my heart like a crown

Walking Contradiction - Green Day
Initially, I was going to put Basket Case as my song because it's the song that made me buy my first album ever, but this song is the one I relate to the most. It's also on the third album I purchased.  I relate to all the lyrics because I walk and contradict myself all the time. Well I usually stand my ground on things until others tell me to do something else. Oh. Wait...
Favorite line(s)- 
I'm a smartass but I'm playing dumb...
I'm victim of a catch 22...
I have no belief but I believe I'm a walking contradiction...

My Favorite 'Girls' Quotes

This is such a lazy post, but definitely needed. You all know I pride myself on television knowledge and knowing what you, the reader, should and shouldn't be watching. You also know my favorite three shows at this moment are Girls, Happy Endings (still bitter about this ABC), and The Vampire Diaries. I feel like I've given you enough reasons as to why you should be watching HE and VD* and my explanations have been thorough enough that the five friends I no longer associate with should understand why that has happened. On the flip side though, I haven't given many reasons for watching Girls besides the fact that Lena Dunham is my spirit animal and I would like to murder her, skin her, wear her skin and become her.**

*   You should be watching for VD on television, as well as on your genitalia. 
** Lena Dunham, if you are  reading this, know this description is strictly figurative. I   
    would never, and I hope this doesn't effect the reality of us becoming BFFs within the 
    next two years.

I'm not going to bore you with my opinions on why you should be watching, which is my normal M.O.  Or give you 50 reasons for non HBO subscribers on why you should purchase season one on DVD, instead I will give you some of my favorite quotes that hopefully help the show speak for itself. 

DISCLAIMER:  Do not read these quotes out loud in front of children or in a church.

SEASON 1

EPISODE 1
"This is nuts. I could be a drug addict. Do you realize how lucky you are?"

"Will you get a condom? "I'lllll consider it."

"So I calculated…and I can last in New York for like three more days…maybe seven if I don't eat lunch."

"I don't want to freak you out, but I think I may be the voice of my generation. Or at least.  A voice. Of. A generation."

EPISODE 2
"…Then you're really lucky. I never know when I'm gonna get my period and it's always a surprise. And that's why all my underwear is covered in weird stains."

"Seriously. There's nothing flakier in this world than not showing up to your own abortion."

“I mean I have a very bad fear of AIDS. "
"Have you known someone with AIDS?" 
"...It’s more of like a Forrest Gump-based fear."

EPISODE 3
"My littlest baggage would probably be my IBS. And my medium baggage would be that I truly don't love my grandmother."

"Like, you don't love her at all?" 

"Mmm mm"

"My medium baggage is that I just bought four cupcakes and ate one in your bathroom."

"I'm fine. What I'm having right now is an inappropriate physical reaction to my total joy for you and your self discovery."

EPISODE 4

"You know what the weirdest part about having a job is? You have to be there everyday, even on the days you don't feel like it."

"Helllooo, Hannah. Crotchless panties....nothing makes me erect faster than a girl tha--these are holes. These are underwear with holes in the crotch. I wonder where she hides her chocolates..."

"I don't even want a boyfriend so... I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, thinks I'm the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me."

EPISODE 5

"Okay. I don't wanna split hairs here, but it's not a journal, it's a notebook. It's notes, for a book..."

"I'm just saying that I feel like 'journal' implies like a 13 year old girl who rides horses and it obsessed with her mom. and that's just not what I'm doing."

"Sometimes you say shit that sounds made up."

EPISODE 6

"I didn't lose my job. I gave it away."

"So on the last day of the trip, they just thought she was it that guy's hotel room, you know? And they were like 'Carrie better get back here because we are not cleaning up her dirty underwear'.  And then they thought she was just like hungover and not answering her phone or whatever. And they were like 'Fine, bitch is gonna stay at the resort then.' So they went to the airport, and when they got off the plane they couldn't reach her, and then…they realized, like…they realized they could never reach her…"

"How are things Ohio?"

"I'm in Michigan, so I don't really know how things are in Ohio."

"Oh shit, fuck. Sorry, Michigan." 

"It's okay, I mean I don't even care if people get my name wrong."

EPISODE 7

"I've literally been here for two hours and haven't spoken to anyone. I'm so happy to see you, I could murder you."

"Whoever brought a fucking baby...don't bring a baby to a party like this. Use your fucking head. We're Questionable Goods. Fully downloadable at questionablegoods.tv. Have a good night."

"The last time I talked to him he said that he missed me and he would pay me to come eat popcorn with him, but then he hasn't returned a text of mine in two weeks and I was just coming to terms with the fact that he was dead."

"I don't think she's high on marijuana. Was it a crack stem?"

"No."

"Did you smoke crack?"

"No."

"Little white rocks?"

"No!! It was a glass-- cigarette…"

"You're friends with Adam?"

"Yeah. Taco."

"It's nice to meet you, Taco."

"Um. It's with a 'K'"

"Oh, okay. So how do you pronounce it?"

"Like that. You got it. It's just that I can usually tell when someone thinks its with a 'C'"

"Alright, well never again."

"It's not that big of a deal. It's just something that's important to me."

"Mmm. Oh. Is that how you know Adam?"

"How?"

"Through AA."

"Oh...no. He's in AA?"

"Oh shit. I just blew his anonymous-ness. Oh, balls, man."

EPISODE 8

"Endorphins don't work on me and anyone who's promised me a runner's high is full of bullshit."

"I don't do ice cream. It's like sweet mucus."

"When I broke up with my girlfriend from college. So sad. I lost 30 pounds, and I couldn't move, or talk, or get my dick hard…"

"Yo skank! Where you at? Getting that pussy pounded? It's my sister..."

"I walked into the bathroom the other day and he was sitting there and taking a shit and drinking milk at the same time."

EPISODE 9

"...but, no, her boyfriend up and killed himself." 

"Your boyfriend should kill himself. You deserve it." 

"Well thank you, but you're just saying that because you love me."

"That's amazing. I'm having such a good time, I'm gonna have to leave soon."

"I wanna be so skinny that people are like, 'Do you have a disease? Are you going to die?'"

"Once where I stab you, over and over again...I try to cut your body into as many little pieces as I can. And then I start to eat you, I start to eat your body..."

"This is why you have no friends from preschool." "Uh I have a lot of friends from preschool, I'm just not speaking to them right now." 

EPISODE 10

"Look! There's an ice cream truck outside. Go! Go!"

"Totally don't. Don't. Really don't. Like stay as long as you want. Stay forever. You know what? Let's just find a place to put this, forever."

"She's being very elitist and cruel."

"I'm very moved. People finding each other, taking shelter...I'm very moved."

"But they just met...like two weeks ago."
"Time is a rubber band."

SEASON 2

EPISODE 1

"Did you like fucking me? Because I think you did. I came. You came hard. We all laughed."

"Do you miss your hymen?" "Miss would definitely be the wrong word. Like I wouldn't say I miss it, I would just kind of say that something is missing..."

"...When you just send me a text full of emojis, it is so easy to dismiss you."

"What is wrong with emojis?!"

"A-a panda next to a gun, next to a wrapped gift? It makes no sense!"

"Do you want to watch Bagger Vance? ...Do you want to watch Bagger Vance extras?...Do you want to make balloon faces?"

EPISODE 2

"Fuckk you Charlotte. I never even met you, but fuckkkk you."

"So you're basically saying you don't think he loved me enough to murder me?"

"How did I not know that?" 

"Just read the newspaper. Just read one newspaper."

"Why don't you lay this thing down flip it and reverse it." 

"You just said a Missy Elliot lyric." 

"I don't know who that is."

"You look like a slutty Von Trap child."

"Your rights happened and your rights happened, cause I can't be with someone who isn't an ally to gays and women."

"...and an entire range of men like me, black men, republicans, et. al."

"Really? Et al?"

"He didn't do anything wrong, I was just asking about restraining orders. He didn't do anything wrong, I just wanted to take out a restraining order against him."

"I just wanted him to stop texting me. Where are you guys going? Honestly...do you just want to tell me where--I might come later. I am so sorry!"

EPISODE 3

"Jessa, do you happen to know where I could procure some cocaine today?"

"...um, let's see, how do I articulate this properly? I need some cocaine." 

"I'm clean."

"Oh my god, wow. Congratulations. I'm so sorry, you didn't look clean, so I just..."

"It's inspired by a girl I went to middle school with fucked both her uncle and her stepfather. It's called power clash"

"It is my greatest dream to have sex with myself, but also my biggest nightmare."

"I want to do more coke!" "I need to do more coke!"

"...you ruined my relationship with Marnie...and for that matter, my relationship with cocaine, which could have been my favorite drug."

EPISODE 4

"Well yeah, I didn't think you'd show up considering you so recently double crossed me."

"If anyone should go, she should go, you should not go." "I don't want to cause an issue, so I think I'm just gonna go." "Don't go...and you don't go. Nobody go."

"I mean, I just don't think anyone should do anything they're not comfortable with, especially when it comes to sex."

" Well yes Marnie, that's the principle behind not raping people."

"No, she's too self-involved to commit suicide."

"Uh, excuse me, I am grown up. That's why I cooked all this food!  ...Honestly, no one pay that any mind. She does this all time, just continue to have a ball. We don't have to stop talking. I love what I made."

"You know what I always, seven months is better than no months at all."

"That's a great saying."

"I had to go to rehab." 

"Oh, so you're back on the drink again, that's great."

"Yeah, no, come on. I've been drinking since I was a child, it's not alcohol. It was for heroin actually."

"I think I just feel how everyone feels, which is I have three or four really great folk albums in me."

"Nothing 'bundt' trouble?"

"That was my Humnie. I won that for being a fucking humanitarian."

EPISODE 5

"I could really be putting myself in a Ted Bundy situation. He also looked handsome, clean...and probably had a brownstone. Okay."

"I did it. I do it...put trash places it shouldn't legally go. It's kinda like my vice."

"So Josh…"

"Joshua…sorry, I just knew a Josh I hated."

"...I remember when I was 3, I told my mom that my babysitter had touched my vagina in the bath. And my mom thought I was lying, obviously. Probably I was..…"
"Yeah I once let a boy give me a hand job when I was nine."
"Well I think that's pretty different because you let him and this wasn't my choice…"

EPISODE 6

"Heyyy. What are you doing here like 12 minutes late?"

"It is pretty impressive. Usually when people say they want to be a writer they really don't want to do anything, you know, except eat and masterbate."  

"How's your book of shit?"

"You are so mean when you're depressed."

"I'm not depressed. You're depressed. You're a depressed person!"

"You can stay as long as you want."

"I know."

EPISODE 7

"You were molested by a weird sub?" "Yeah. No. I dunno. Maybe, probably."

"It's not a theory, Camry drivers are cunts."

"Whippits are what killed Demi Moore."

"I'm an undiagnosed hypoglycemic." 

"That's wasn't sex, you came in my thigh crease."

Some of these are out of context. Okay, the majority of them are out of context, I get it.  Just picture a friend of yours saying them and maybe it will help you get the gist, or at least intrigue you.

to be continued...

Needs.

A guy friend told me I was picky when it came to guys,  I retorted that I wasn't at all, I take what I can get, to an extent.  So here I am to prove him wrong.

For all you gentlemen callers out there itching to get a piece of this caramel latte*, here's my dream dude. Live up to this, and we will live happily ever after, if I don't screw it up with my commitment, abandonment, or non deserving issues.

*You need to be okay with the fact I pronounce caramel, carmel.

Here we go...

I'm prone to dark hair and thick eyebrows.

You need to be okay with my off color, inappropriate humor and sarcasm and be able to reciprocate it, but not to the point where I find it offensive.

You need to be funny, but not funnier than me, yet funnier than what I am.

You need to be slightly "hipstery", but not too hipstery, that's too cliche.

You need to be Jewish, although I can look the other way if you are not. Just be okay with the fact that I have a Jewish fetish and may lie to my mother and tell her you are.

You need to be okay with that fact that sometimes I need alone time, but you should never need alone time when I want to talk to you.

You need to like texting more than talking on the phone, unless I like you enough to talk on the phone, then we should talk on the phone when it's appropriate.

You need to text me a lot, but only when I want you to text me a lot.

You need to be a weekend morning person, but not the guy that wants to go take a run at 7 in the morning. Be the one who wakes me up at 9 by frying bacon on Saturdays, and go to brunch Sundays followed by a leisurely hike.

You need to be a creative type, preferably music, or writing. I can dig an artist, but admittedly, I probably won't get it, or you.

You need to be the one to pick the restaurant. I hate making decisions, but make sure it's either Mexican, Italian, sushi, Chinese, or American comfort.

You need to be okay with that fact that I snore even though I'm not completely convinced I do, even though guys who have stopped talking to me use that as an excuse.

You need to know that I'm willing to go watch any action/thriller/scary movie you want on the weekends, as long as weeknights are saved for watching my TV shows (don't worry, it won't be reality TV...besides Bravo).

You need to be a big drinker, maybe even a bigger drinker than I am.

You need to be okay with the fact that after a night of drinking, I will order a #1 from McDonald's and a double cheeseburger. It's not to share with, get your own, but if I ran out of fries and you have some, offer some to me.

You need to want to do a juice cleanse with me and keep me on it.

You need to own at least one skinny tie, if you don't I will buy you one that goes really well with my complexion.

You don't need to like sports, I don't really care, but you have to like baseball.

You need to be okay with Twitter, and extra points if you have a Twitter account and you use it properly. If neither applies, you will need to open an account and follow me.

You need a pair of biker boots. Biker boots are hot, tied up or untied . You're welcome for giving you an option.

You need to know I have expectations of you to be my TV crushes (re: Damon Salvatore, Nick Miller, Jim Halpert), and if you are not, I will religiously ask you why you can't be more like them.

You need to have at least one pair of  Chuck Taylors. We should have a pair of matching Chucks. I know I have big feet, so I would like it if you have a pair AT LEAST a size bigger than mine. 

You need a couple of baseball hats. You don't have to curve the brim if you don't want to, but you should never wear them tilted to the side. Well, it depends on if you can pull this off. This will be on a case by case basis.

You need to be able to quote movies when appropriate in everyday life, yet only movies I quote.

You need to know that accents would be a plus (Irish, Australian, Greek, or British), but it's not a necessity.

You need to know that you don't need to fill all these requirements, just every one except two...

Things That Concern Me: February 11, 2013: Brewing Things

I think I've hit all the major things that concern me. It took 13 months and that means there were only 13 things, well 12 because gun control took two turns (selfish asshole). This makes me feel like a low maintenance, easy going gal. Here are a list of things that are starting to concern me a bit and may one day be a part of my campaign platform when I run for Duke of Katsuya. (That's how it works on Yelp, right?)

Justin Bieber needs to stop taking his shirt off.

His shirt is always off now. It's not even hot out, anywhere, it's February. It's freezing on the east coast and unseasonably cold on the west coast. You should be wearing your OBEY hoodie, with your OBEY hat, 5 inches off your head. Yes, we all see you have oddly placed tattoos and a six pack, but the frame of the rest of your body just makes it look like your ribcage slid down and the bones are poking out.

BT-DUBS – love the Believe Acoustic album, keep trucking musically, everything else...just stop, stop trucking with everything else

My loss of interest of activities I once loved.

My bad. My bad, wrong list, this one's for my therapist.

My urge to stock up on OraQuick and Instagram the results with different filters daily.

I don't feel that there's a need for me to explain why this concerns me, just know its a multifaceted concern

My mother hasn’t wished me a happy Black History Month yet.

Maybe she just forgot, like she forgot my 25^th birthday, but if that’s not the case, I’ve got beef with it considering she always says she “knows more about black history” than I do. Come to think about it, she's NEVER wished me a happy BHM. Whatever, at least she's my Valentine again this year...ahhhhh...

ABC keeps pushing back putting new episodes of Happy Endings on air.

Get your shit together, ABC. Get. Your. Shit. Together. You're lucky Community just came back on, Girls has five more episodes left of the season and  The Mindy Project  just keeps getting better and better, otherwise I would have more time to be so much more up in arms about this.

But hey, ABC, play The Bachelor one more time in HE's time spot and see what happens...

I leave work with more stuff on me than I came into work with.

Today I left with blood stains, coffee and special sauce on my jeans and sweater.

I got the CSI of bloody noses, I accidentally turned my coffee cup upside down while trying to take a selfie, and I had a Big Mac for lunch.

Taylor Swift has finally started to make calculated moves at award shows.

Looks like Taylor’s handlers sat her down finally and had this conversation:

“Look, T-Swizzle, you’re getting a reputation as a sore loser.”

Taylor looks confused...
“What do you mean?”

One of her handlers reply...

“You look sore when you lose.”  

Taylor shakes her head, even more confused...

“I-I’m not getting what you are saying."

Another handler sighs and has a go at it...

“At an awards show the camera always pans to you when you lose and your face always looks sorely.”

Taylor gets it now...

“I get it now. Don’t worry I won’t let that happen again.”

Fast forward to Grammy Night 2013 - Taylor Swift won't stop dancing... the entire 3 ½ hour show. I’m pretty sure I  even caught her fist pumping during the ‘In Memoriam’ portion of the show. I don't know what is worse, the "Death to the world stare Taylor" when she loses, or the "Look at me I'm going to dance and I know every word to every song, ever Taylor." Only time will tell...

My increasing arousal during make out and sex scenes on The Vampire Diaries.

It’s actually more between getting aroused and wanting to be a vampire. I would most definitely hold Ian Somerhalder at gunpoint* and make him bite my neck. There are moments I'm watching where I seriously contemplate trying to jump through my TV screen. I know that's borderline delusional, but what if it isn't? What if this is just one giant romantic, comedy, drama, documentary movie where anything can happen? I'm not saying I'm living The Truman Show, but I'm not saying I'm not living The Truman Show.

*unloaded, obviously guys, I'm no Dorner. Where is that dude anyway?

My perception of reality.

Whoops. Another one for my therapist.

My increasing acceptance of being a loner.

I am legitimately a-okay with hanging by myself on a Friday night, and then that Saturday, and then that following Friday and Saturday and so on. I think there is a direct correlation to how every time I see kittens or cats, I think they are cute and precious. I find myself sending cute pics I see online, liking Instagram pics of cats, and even petting cats in real life. I used to hate cats. I would like to say this is just a part of my evolution, but I think I’m just becoming use to them. Like eel, they are an acquired taste, and I have started to acquire it, and I don’t like what I’m acquiring. One bit. If this is a foreshadow, I want it to be whatever the opposite of a foreshadow is. A beforebright?