The New Crisis

I’m just coming out of my first quarter-life crisis  that started when I was around 23 or 24. For the past six years this crisis has assisted in me making horrible life choices many of you are well aware of such as, deciding to go to law school, peeing behind dumpsters, throwing up in my mouth and sleeping with anywhere from a few to a plethora of people (just sleeping, cool it, Mom).

It was like I didn’t know what I wanted in life, but I secretly did know, but I was terrified at the thought of what I knew I truly wanted coming to the surface because of fear of failure, so simultaneously as I would say I didn’t know what I wanted, I was also saying I knew what I wanted (i.e. law school, and sleepovers). Which ultimately was I knew that what I was saying I wanted to myself and others wasn’t what I knew I really wanted, just something I knew people would want to hear, and knew what I would want myself to hear to seem to be a normal functioning member of society. Deep down I knew what I truly wanted, but it was so buried that it got to the point where it seemed like that wasn’t what I really wanted, and got to a point where I thought I really didn’t know what I wanted, but even through that on the very bottom of it I knew that I truly did want that, you know?

Follow that? Easier if you read it as one big sentence.

I’m going to be 29 in a little over a month and I’m starting to see the light at the end of this crisis, I’m not over it, but I've noticed my merging into another. Until I come up with a better name, I guess we could call it the 30-something crisis (EVEN THOUGH I WON'T BE THIRTY FOR ANOTHER 389 DAYS)

This crisis is starting out vastly different than my last.  

Things That Have Started Happening in My 30 Something Crisis

Laundry.

During my 29^th year on earth I’m really considering and researching the material on starting to separate my whites from my colors. For so long I found it so easy to just throw everything together, put it on cold (to be safe) but this weekend something happened. I had a new pair of jeans and the directions said, wash them separately, in cold water, and hang to dry. And you guys? I DID…and it felt AMAZING. I then proceeded to wash all my towels together. Everything else was a fuck for all, but baby steps people, baby steps. I also fold my clothes within a day of them being cleaned. I also change my sheets more often like I actually don’t sleep alone night in and night out. I'm finally treating the pillow I use as a fill in boyfriend with the respect and cleanliness it deserves.

Eating Healthy.

I have started eating healthy. Fine. I had ONE relapse last Wednesday night when I got a number 5 from Wendy’s…and a 6 piece, but I ordered a bottle of water instead of soda! I haven’t had any candy except the strawberry Clif Kid Organic Z Fruit Ropes, which in each rope is one daily serving of fruit. Although I am confused as to why they are branded and taste like strawberry yet the ingredients are: Organic Apple Puree, Organic Apple Juice Concentrate, Organic Natural Flavors, Malic Acid, Pectin, Colored with Vegetable Juice

strawberry nowhere to be found.

I’ve also been eating a lot of fruits, raw veggies, humMUS (say it like that), granola bars and salad. Did you guys know how hard it is to figure out what to eat for lunch when you are eating healthy? My taste buds and bank account can only take the Whole Foods salad bar for oh so many days before resentment and overdraft fees take over.

Drinking.

I have cut out ALL* carbonated beverages, mainly because they actually make me break out badly.  I’ve been force feeding myself water, which is very hard because I don’t drink a lot during the day. I found it helps to hide them or put them in hard to reach spots, you know valid reasons as to why I won't get up from my couch or desk to get a drink, and then when I get to the point of dry mouth, I get up and chug like 3 bottles in a row, which fulfills my 8 daily glasses requirement. I’ve also not had a cup of coffee in 11 days, I’ve been drinking Earl Grey tea, straight up son. I didn’t consciously stop drinking coffee that was just an unhappy coincidence, that will be changing soon.

*...and for those of you wondering…the answer is, vodka waters

Making a Lifelong Decision to Not Get a Flu Shot.

You can correlate this with Jenny McCarthy and her belief that shots in infants give them autism.  Sure I’m talking about the flu and she’s talking about autism but it’s the principle, plus there has been more than one person on more than one occasion that has questioned if I was on the spectrum, so I feel I can speak freely autism as being someone who has been first handedly affected by it. I have never gotten a flu shot. I have never gotten then flu. That’s a bold statement, let’s just say I cannot remember the last time I got the flu, maybe when I was a little kid. Why would I risk altering that? If it’s broken, duct tape it up, yo. That’s my motto. Every year my mother tells me sternly to get the shot. Pfft... I’m not getting that shot, my mother is not the boss of me. I am.

IF ANYONE SEES MY MOTHER WALKING THE STREETS OF CINNAMINSON BETWEEN NOW AND CHRISTMAS YOU TELL HER THAT I TOLD YOU THAT I GOT MY FLU SHOT AT WORK TODAY!

Showering.

Listen before you freak out, I’ve always showered on a regular basis, but it felt like a chore and a social norm that I HAD to comply with. But now, I actually  like showering. I make a shower playlist and start belting the songs out like I’m filming my music video in the rain. Sometimes I pretend that I’m in a horror movie, you know playing the part of the sweet unsuspecting girl just trying to clean off the dirt from the day and start anew. Then all of sudden she turns to her glass shower door and see’s the hand print and the words “YOU’RE NEXT” It’s also a bonus knowing that I’m going to be super clean when  I get into my bed

Things I'm Anticipating Will Happen in My 30-Something Crisis

Deleting Emails Instead of Selecting All and Hitting Mark as Read.

Emails on your phone are such a nuisance, I wish I could just take them off but I have already blocked every number in my phonebook from being able to call me and have blocked half of those numbers from contacting me via text, so I have to give the people that think I care about them some way of contacting me. I’m just kidding, I blocked like three quarters of them from texting. I’ve got two email accounts linked up to my phone and it became a nuisance when my phone would vibrate on ding every time, so I turned off notifications on emails. Now every time I look I have 30 some emails, and to delete them you have to do each one individually. It’s much easier to hit select all, mark as read, but then you forget to go back and you miss important emails from your friends like funeral arrangements for their great great aunt, or emails from your landlord saying your rent is 3 months past due, you have 3 days to vacate, etc. I’m hoping during this new crisis I learn to open and dump.

Start Going to the Gym.

Eh. Ugh. If I’m already prohibiting myself from 7-11 hot dogs and potato balls then there’s no way I’m going to a gym. Plus that would cancel out my showering. If I went to the gym I would have to shower out of necessity, not because I choose and want to. And that's not progress, that is me moving backwards.

Only Drinking on Weekends.

There is no worse feeling than a day at work after a night of drinking. No wait, scratch that.

This is worst:

I’ve given up on my appearance at work, I’m very comfortable at my job and at what I do. So I make sure I feel physically comfortable at work too. This includes using a box of printer paper and an extra lid for an ottoman under my desk, a kettle for hot water, and a hot plate for now defunct grilled cheese sandwiches. I do not care how I look at work. If it’s super hot out, I will wear flip flops, sometimes I wear my sunglasses... inside, all day. Sometimes I wear a hat. Once a friend of mine who didn’t care how she looked at her work said “I look homeless.” I couldn’t have said it better. That’s what I look like Mondays-Fridays (excluding Federal Holidays and the occasional doctors visit). I look homeless every day, I’m okay with this and I have accepted it. But when a co-worker comes into my cubicle after a night of Hemingway-ing it and says ‘You look like shit.” “You look like death.” “What the hell happened to you?”  It’s like, okay…okay, let’s keep it to ourselves. I know that you know that  I know I look like a homeless meth head hoarder who lives under the bridge by the train tracks. No need to point it out, brah.

Taking X Amount of Cash Out of Each Paycheck and Putting It in a Rainy Day Jar

(not taped to the back of toilet tank)

I’m going to be completely honest with you, I’m a horrible saver. I’m really good at saving receipts and empty water bottles, but money? Not so much. My savings account is doing nothing for me except collecting dust and debt. Literally. I owe my bank $15, I have a -$15.00 balance in my savings. Yes, I have money in my checking account. I always have money in their whether it be 2 cents or 2 grand, but savings account, nope. I hope this goes to show you why I think it’s best for everyone if I try to start to become the 93 year old woman who doesn’t trust banks and hides her savings in a jar in her house (not in my mattress)

Stop Being Afraid When I Around a Group of Teenagers.

Nope. Not going to change. Ever. Nope. Staring contests? They win. They always do.

Now that I’ve made you all think that I’ve been living like a dirty, scuzzy 13 year old boy for the past six years. I hope you see I'm growing as a long term optimist and a short term pessimist.