I'm Serious. I'm Kidding.

This is my 'Things that Concern Me', if nothing else dire pops up in the next two weeks. Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks. It dates back to when one species of humans met another species of humans, broke bread and eventually in time, the one human species wiped out the other human species.  Fortunately, not entirely though. Could you imagine a world without Indian casinos?? Me neither.  I love Thanksgiving. I love giving thanks, and I love the food.  Off the top of my head, here are a few things I’m thankful for that never become old: I’m thankful I have no STDs. I’m thankful that the main meat on Thanksgiving is turkey. I’m thankful for my mother who, without her, I would probably be lying in some ditch, dead, with a needle in my decomposed body. I'm thankful for my closest friends, present and past, for shaping me into the person I am. I consider you guys family (also if you don't like me, blame them) I’m thankful... well prior to the premiere of “16 ...

It’s been a cool minute, guys. I got a little inspired today to write a post.  Maybe a person inspired me or maybe its since I’ve been sober for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT my brain has more functionality. Who knows? God?  It’s easy to go “hey, I’m going to write a blog post”, but it’s not as easy to decide on what to write it about.  A couple of ideas did immediately pop into my head; rape, which I could intertwine with Elmo and then end with some kind of fantasy about me, Zac Efron and a cloud of cocaine, then I thought “nah, talking about rape would probably be too soon for my Republican friends.”  My next idea was to write an open/single white female-ish letter to Mindy Kaling. I thought it would be “quirky and ironic” (my exact words) considering neither of us are white.  That idea was quickly shot down with a “that seems sad” from a person who calls penises, “rigs.”  I’d like to call myself a pretty self-deprecating person, and not for the pity party bu...

Hey. Yo, Facebook...lets talk about the election, and who you want to win. I’m doing this in a blog post, because that’s where it should be done. Not as your Facebook status. I don’t need to see a nine line Facebook status about how Romney is amazing and Obama is the devil and vice versa.  I also do not need to see people posting six line status’ on how they are annoyed by people posting  political/presidential/election status’ ... if you want to bash Obama, or Romney, or Lindsay Lohan...GET. A. FUCKING. BLOG.  Link your blog post on your Facebook wall, that way, people get a choice on whether or not to read your ramblings...(mostly Republicans...just kidding, I’m a Republican. Just kidding about just kidding, about just kidding. Where is Ross Perot?)   The only political posts I, and the majority, and by majority, I think I mean the “47%” want to see are funny ones. Please, make funny, intellectual...yet witty, maybe even thought provoking posts about the candi...

I have a new found hobby. Many people know how entertaining it is to read Yelp reviews, but do you know how much fun it is to read app reviews in the App Store?  I chose four of my favorite apps and checked out the first 50 reviews of each, these are some of my favorites. INSTAGRAM How can you compare MySpace and Twitter? Is it because you are on crack cocaine heroin? Also, what exactly is crack cocaine heroin? Like a super magic eight ball?   Listen up Rosie baby, your problem isn't with Instagram, it's with China. Go complain to them, I'm sure they'll understand. Omg. Your Instagram app can talk???? You know what's not ideal? Your last name is Wex. TWITTER Nope. No one is kidding here, Helen. I feel you. Reminds me of the days when I was a kid and actually had to be home to hit 'record' on the VCR every Tuesday night to tape a new episode of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'   You are such a stalker, and I LOVE it. Follow me. I...

Dear Co-worker who shall not be named, (if you know me and you are reading this, you know exactly who I am talking about) I’m a highly tolerant person. I accept and am kind to all types of people, including, but not limited to; people with different shapes, sizes, colors, sexual orientations, STDs, and body odors. Even if I don’t tolerate you, I will try my best to not show it to you. However, there are some things that I just cannot tolerate. Included, but not limited to; blantant rudeness, morbid obesity (that was brought on by your own eating habits), extreme laziness, conniving charm, lying,  and getting away with lying (I may be jealous of that one) If you look into your own mind's eye, what luck I had come across, when two and a half years ago, I went down to the lobby of our office building and I met you. For what your job description entailed, I was at first, very surprised to see your 400 pound stature, but you got up from the chair, shoo...

Guns, yo. Guns. Before we start this, I need to admit that I’m not too well versed on the NRA side or even the gun control side but I needed a topic of concern for August and this seemed pretty concerning at this point in time. As uneducated as I am, my opinion is that there is probably a better way of going about who and how people get guns in America. I hopped on Facebook this morning and saw a conversation between two girls I went to grade school with.  They are both now married with children and were discussing the fear of allowing their kids to go to school because of the gun violence. One of them has a child in the elementary school that is attached to the high school where a teen got shot today.  It kind of threw me for a loop, because a) they are married with children and I believe the last time I talked to either of them was after one of our soccer games in 5th grade and b) it was never a fear I or they had growing up.  Our biggest fear was probably whether or ...

I asked a few of my friends a question; “If you had to interview me, what would you ask me?” Let’s start this off with one of the questions I was actually asked: Why are you making me interview you? I was tired of getting drunk and interviewing myself. There have been many times after a night of drinking where I would pretend I was on Letterman or Craig Ferguson and being interviewed. I got tired of interviewing myself, so I figured, "hey let me get drunk and then answer questions my friends asked me." So here we go, legitimate questions from friends, and honest answers. Its obvious from your inability to read social cues and your lack of empathy for others, that you have Asperger's Syndrome. How has that empowered you throughout life? Well it’s certainly something that I don’t define myself by. It also helps that I don’t have Aspergers, but some people think I do, so when I say something inappropriate I and they both can blame it not only “on the alcohol”, but th...