Things That Concern Me: Summer 2013 Edition

It’s almost the UNofficial end to summer. I capitalized the UN because last year I saw people writing on Labor Day that summer was “officially” over, and it burned me to my core, at first I thought it was the tacos I had for lunch, but then after further investigation I realized, the burn was in fact due to the inaccurate use of the word official.

I wish I could tell you the majority of my thoughts and concerns this summer were deep and meaningful, but they really weren’t. I’m not saying I haven’t thought Trayvon Martin or Christopher Lane. I’m not saying I haven’t thought Syria and where it is exactly or what the climate is like. I’m just saying there are other things that I think about more often and probably more passionately about. Example: I have thought about the tough Outstanding Drama Series category for the Emmy’s more than what I’ve just mentioned. I’m not kidding you, that category is more Sophie’s choice, than the actual Sophie's Choice (because there’s five, not two and death by cyanide doesn’t really play into it, whatever, I've taken this too far).

While often not profound, I like to think I have an eclectic flow of thoughts that go through my mind daily. It's not always just about beer, or just about celebrities, or just about how awesome I am, sometimes they combine. So for your viewing pleasure, here is a list of things I have thought about this summer and the things that have…well, concerned me.

SHINGLES

Did you know if you had the chicken pox, you can get shingles? Did you know 1 in 3 adults gets shingles? I see the commercial on the daily, and it chills me to the core. I now have what I believe to be a very rational fear and strong woman’s intuition that I will be the 1 in 3* that will eventually get shingles. 

*To my friends, know that I have put us in many different combinations of 3 trying to guess which one out of us would get them, and  every time I've wished them on you rather than me. I wish I could tell you that shingles is the only thing I do this with and not with other things like gingivitis and Lupus…I’m sorry that I feel sorry.

Untamed Heart

Untamed Heart is a 1993 movie starring Christian Slater and Marisa Tomei that I accidentally stumbled upon one day and turned out to be quite a little gem. Basically Slater’s character was in an orphanage, had a heart problem and got a new heart that he says is a baboon’s heart. He’s a quiet, broody type guy who seems like he almost comes from another planet or is mentally challenged. Tomei’s character with accent included, it’s no My Cousin Vinny accent but it’s still a pretty funny accent, works in the same diner as he does. She is almost raped one night and he saves her, they fall in love. 

Here are some of my favorite lines from this romantic comedy/drama...dramedy?:

While cradling a half naked Christian Slater, a half naked Marisa Tomei looks at him and says with her Minna“soda” accent: “I’m gonna fall in love with you, you don’t have to love me back.”

Tomei’s character tells her best friend (played by Rosie Perez) that the weird cute quiet bus boy they’ve been working with all this time is an orphan and in Rosie Perez voice, Rosie's character says: “He’s an orphan? No shit? I never met a real orphan before.”

After Tomei’s character thanks Slater’s for sneaking into her bedroom in the middle of the night and putting up a Christmas tree, he feels bad and has to confess something to her: “I have to tell you something. It might make you angry. I watch you sleep sometimes.”

My favorite line that I said while watching the movie: “Don’t pull it out. Don’t pull it out. Don’t pull it out, Christian!”

Whoops, I forget to set up the scene. Slater's character was stabbed with a big knife by the guys he stopped from raping Tomei’s character, and he pulled the knife out of his abdomen.

FIRST RESPONSE

Another commercial that’s been getting me is the First Response one. You know, the one that opens with some chick saying something like “Imagine knowing you’re pregnant the moment it happens.” 

No. Nope. Like, no. Why as a society are we always trying to rush things and make them happen as quick as possible? Heating things up in a microwave instead of an oven, carpool lanes, abbreves…HIV tests…

I know personally, for me as a woman, that the day and/or* night when my uterus finally gets accosted, I don’t want to know right away. I like that in those first few weeks, or months if you're dumb...or an I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant mom that we don’t know we’re pregnant. It gives us some extra time where we can innocently still drink ourselves into stupors and poison ourselves with high levels of mercury from delicious sushi.  This First Response test taking away that right of that one last hoorah. It is basically setting the women’s movement back like 50 years.

*I say day and/or night, just in case I have twins. Having sex twice in one day/night = twins. Read that in a book I heard.

(This is in the first stage of a joke for my stand up set; just know you read it here, first)

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS SUMMER SEASON FINALE

I have invested three years into this show. Don’t get me wrong, it was and is well worth it. Each episode gives you something, but at the same time takes something else away, and it’s never the same amount so you break even, you never break even. Many episodes for me this season have ended with an exasperated “Wait. Wha--? How? Wh--? Ugh, whe--...?”. The first half of season four has been like playing a hybrid game of Clue, Guess Who and Monopoly.  But last night, you got me PLL, you got me good. I accidentally saw a comment online before I watched but I just dismissed because it almost seemed too out there. As we got closer to the end of the episode and a comment was made, I opened my mind that it could be a possibility.  Then those last seconds, that I rewound with no shame in my head or heart 8-10 times really messed me up. Last night was why I fell in love with this show. NOW, instead of laying out listening to Wham! during the last unofficial weekend of summer, I have to rewatch from the pilot and watch specific scenes to see how this startling revelation could possibly have come to fruition on Netflix this weekend. Pretty  Little Liars, please keep it up like last nights ep and  bring your A game during season 4B. Y

(Yeah I did it)

Also, Toby’s storyline has got to go. I’m so sorry your Mom was/committed murdered/suicide/ Tobes, and yes looking at things you made your mom as a kid can guarantee a good cry, I’m doing that right now. Right now I'm looking at the dreidel I made my mother for Christmas back in 1988 when I went to Jewish nursery school.  I’m kidding, I’m actually on speakerphone with my mother now, she says hi.

*Fun nerd fact; last night's episode was the most tweeted episode of a TV series ever, in like the 132 years Twitter has been around.

REALITY TV

I have many vices, that if I’m to be honest with myself and with my God, I don’t think I'm able to, or plan on giving up anytime soon. I do feel bad about that but I am a pretty fair person and sometimes open to compromise. So I sat myself down at my own intervention and made myself choose a vice that I could realistically quit and not relapse on.

That vice was reality TV. I quit it cold turkey. I’ve been reality TV free since March. I’m very proud of this. Especailly since at the time I had fallen head over heels into Shahs of Sunset, I binged the first season, and was on the second which was airing new eps. I have no idea how it ended or if GG is even still alive.

 I would be lying to you if I said I haven’t innocently turned on E! while Keeping Up With the Kardashians is on and I didn’t watch it for 45 seconds.  What makes me change the channel in those brief moments of vulnerability is knowing the fact that if I keep watching, I’m going to watch the one airing right after that one and the one after that, and it’s just a dark hole and vicious cycle that I don’t want to get back into.

(Singing competitions don't count, I will watch X Factor and possibly American Idol)

 MMMHOPS

NEWSFLASH: Hanson has brewed their own beer and they call it Mmmhops.

I hope that its so good that I buy a six pack and then post a video of me on YouTube drinking another six pack with a smile on my face and these lyrics playing in the background:

In an mmm bop they're gone.
In an mmm bop they're not there.
In an mmm bop they're gone.
In an mmm bop they're not there.

 MY #COLORMESTOKED PLAYLIST

The Glee music to all the other music ratio on this playlist I listen to daily is still as high as it was in July. It’s very uneven, and it’s making me feel like I’m STILL not over Cory Monteith's death.

WHO WILL WIN OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY?

This is the actually the hardest category for me this year, even more so than the “Sophie’s Choice” drama catergory.

We’ve got:

Adam Driver for Girls – I can’t remember a character that I’ve had such a range of emotion towards than Adam Sackler. I have felt every feeling towards him, anger, happiness, sadness, joy, disgrace. He’s just that amazing. The way he makes you feel about him too happens so organically, it's not just like one week you hate him because he told Hannah he'd think about wearing a condom, and then the next week you love him because he said "Time is a rubber band." 

Ty Burrell for Modern Family – This dude is like the humor nucleus of this show, he needs to be shown some Emmy love. I feel he is the most underrated on that show.

Bill Hader for SNL – I was never a huge Hader fan, until maybe the last couple of years. He really became super funny on SNL (or maybe he always was and I was just stupid) this past season he really became one of my favorites to watch.

Tony Hale for Veep – he should get a double nod for Veep and Arrested Development. He’s comedy gold. I can’t describe it.

Sorry Ed O’Neill and Jesse Tyler Ferguson, didn’t do it for me this year.

Okay writing it out helped make it easier. I want Adam Driver to win.

 COREY FELDMAN'S ORGY PARTY

Corey, you crazy man, but I love you.

Yesterday I read this article linked above about a girl that went to Corey Feldman’s house where there was an orgy going on. It was a very weird story to read. It was also weird that "Lila Whitney", the girl whose POV this is from had rather taken cocaine than do the ecstasy that was floating around.

If I was in that situation, which may I say, I would never put myself into… I would have HAD to have taken the ecstasy, since I’m that type of person that’s insecure even when I’m in the shower by myself. I’m that girl sucking in her stomach and pushing my shoulders back while I’m loofah-ing under my arms all alone.

What really concerned me was how I started feeling and how I found myself attracted to Corey as the story went along. I was also concerned that I was feeling this way, sober and on a Tuesday morning. I feel like what happened to Lila when she started kissing Corey is exactly what would have happened if it were me and him. I’m also concerned because I have always liked the other Corey more, he was the hot one. My feelings reading this made me feel like I was almost cheating on him. (RIP Corey Haim)

So there you go, my summer of concerns. I think ending my concerns on an orgy party is proof of how great America is. It’s called living in the land of the free. Thank you troops!