I'm Serious. I'm Kidding.

“Write what you know.”  That’s what everyone tells writers to do.  It’s a phrase embedded in your brain from the moment you take your first baby step in writing.  It’s like the “stop, drop and roll” phrase for Kindergartners or the “never leave your drink unattended” warning for girls who fear adventure or have no zest in life. Even non-writers tell writers to write what they know; a parking attendant said it to me the other day. Well here are some things I know. -I know dipping your French Fries in mayonnaise is tasty as shit. Yes. It's very unhealthy, but the Europeans do it and they are skinnier, smarter, and richer than me so why can't I reach for those stars?  -I know I enjoy the way a beer burp feels in my throat. You have to hold the burp in to get the effect.  It kind of feels like a vibrating throat tickle, in a good way. -If you are a close friend of mine, I may not remember when your favorite aunt died or you...

I believe there are three tiers of ignorance.  You don't?  Well I will show you. Example 1 – Not knowing if it was George Washington Carver, or George Washington who either invented or discovered either the peanut, or peanut butter Example 2 - Thinking the best place to get Mexican food is Taco Bell Example 3 – The entire congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church Do you see the difference? If you don’t maybe you are ignorant. Just kidding, no but seriously, you probably are. Let me break it down. Not knowing which George Dub invented or discovered either the peanut or peanut butter is me. It is very ignorant on my part, but I like to look at it as a cute, charming quality of mine. The second example is from the friend every one needs in their lives. The person who is naive, but not rude, but is still growing in life and gives us that chuckle and makes everyone go, “Oh that’s just typical of so-and-so and their cute, charming ignorance.” The final example is a ...

One thing my mother, to this day has always been adamant about besides me marrying a nice Jewish boy, was to never ever, ever have someone who is high on drugs in my car. I’ve publicly made my love for people on TV who are drug addicts known. While I’ve lived in three major, popular cities, I’ve never had a substantial amount of contact with real, true to life junkies. I’ve been around my fair share of stoners, maybe not a complete cokehead, but a couple of cokehands and I’ve never been offered anything other than marijuana, pills, or coke. I’ve never been around hardcore drugs until I started my present day job, where 13 days out of each year I get to hold such narcotics, as heroin, PCP and crack rock in my hands without fear of arrest, or instant addiction. I clearly have a big misperception of drug use. Even A&E’s Intervention has this kind of glam to me, maybe it’s because you don’t know these people, so you can’t make it a realization. My perception changed dras...

I have a degree in Psychology, so I can like analyze things that are psychological and stuff pretty well. Since completing my degree four long years ago I have diagnosed three of my friends with bi-polar disorder, two with schizophrenia, and one who is a complete sociopath, and will be coming into their place of work one day and shooting it up.  To say I'm qualified is an understatement.   I can analyze through handwriting, body language and I can also read lips.  I decided to look beyond the surface of the pictures from the Justin Bieber paparazzi scandal that happened this past weekend and give you the 100% real scoop of what happened after the altercation. "Bro, you made me lose my shoe!"    "What the hell am I supposed to do now bro?  My purple shoe is lying in the gutter."  "I told you these were stupid pants, J."  "Selena, I don't care.  I have one shoe on and my p...

I’m not afraid of sharing my internet search history (between the hours of 9 AM and 2 PM).   Here are some of the things I have Googled of late: signs that you are a sociopath - I often wonder if I'm a sociopath.   Traits include, narcissism, shallow emotions and impulsive nature, which are traits I possess proudly.   But since I've never wanted to kill an animal and play with its insides as a child, I’ve decided I’m not. metamucil - I thought this was for old people, but recently, a blocked childhood memory came to surface where I remember my mom putting this tan/brownish powder in my orange juice every morning.   It was always too much, the texture of the juice became thicker, and there was a certain discoloration, and I could taste it.   This may explain my irregularity problems now as an adult. teddy herpes 90210 – I read an article interviewing Trevor Donovan, who plays Teddy on 90210. He said that Teddy comes back to Beverly Hills to tell a...

You're either a proud watcher of Glee, or claim it’s a guilty pleasure. For me, this debate wavers week to week, just like my personal hygiene, my work ethic and my work productivity. Okay, okay, work productivity stays at an almost stagnant slim to none level daily. I guess what I’m saying is, I watched the season finale of Glee, and like most TV graduations, it brings you back to those “this is everything and defines me as a person” high school days, especially when the show has songs that were burned on your graduation mix made on Memorex CD and it made me think of friends. The season finale of Glee made me feel things I’ve never felt before. Not like the things I feel when Justin Bieber says “hello to falsetto in 3, 2...” but real feelings. Maybe it’s because I’ve aged since the last TV show graduation episode I watched. The last ones I can remember off the top of my head are, The OC’s with an AWESOME Imogen Heap song playing (RIP Marissa) and One Tree Hill’s with Haley going...

Of the many undiagnosed issues I have, I can say with conviction that my social anxiety is the biggest one.   While it’s not a debilitating, crippling anxiety, it has caused an uncountable amount of white shirt discolored armpits, dangerously high heart rates, loss of potential friendships, feelings of nausea and binge drinking.   The three types of people who give me the most anxiety: 1.       People of Authority 2.       Friends of Friends /Acquaintances 3.       People I Admire The three types of people who give me the least anxiety: 1.       Men Ages 42-68. 2.       The Elderly 3.       My Mother Let’s start with the people I’m least anxious around.   I’m looking at this group right now and I’m shaking my head, and chuckling uncomfortably because this is the most insane group ever, ...