West Coast/East Coast - Marriage
If I could suggest one thing it would be that if possible, one should spend time living on both coasts. It is an invaluable experience I think everyone should try. Living on both sides of the country has given me an open-mindedness I don’t think I would have had if I stayed on the east coast forever. I’m not talking about the open-mindedness of being able to be friends with someone who thinks Pat’s has better cheesesteaks than Geno’s or someone who thought Lucas and Brooke should have been together rather than Lucas and Peyton. I’m talking more-so about an open-mindedness towards myself.
When I first moved to LA and would visit home I would always be asked “How is it different?” I would get stuck because I didn’t really notice huge differences. A person will flip you off whether you are driving on the 5 freeway in California or on 95 in Philly. The only solid answer I could ever give with conviction was how when you are in a store checking out, EVERYONE uses that divider thingy. I was then looked at like I was the weirdo, not these people who were afraid their items would get mixed in with the person’s behind them and they would never be able to figure out whose is whose. I found it really peculiar and I still do. Although I comply with this unwritten rule it will forever make me feel uncomfortable.
I have been here for about 2 1/2 years and have flown back east for three weddings, with a guaranteed three more weddings in the next year and a half. The oldest friend I have that has gotten married so far was 26. The other two were 24 and 25. In 2013 I’ll actually bump up the oldest to 29. My visits home entail playing with friends’ babies, in their houses, with their wedding pictures on the mantle. If we want to have night out, plans have to be made before I fly home so they can get baby-sitters.
Growing up I thought I’ll graduate high school, go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married, have kids by the time I’m 25 so then I’ll only be 46 when they are 21 and that won’t make it weird if I want to bar hop with them. I figured that’s how life works. College came along and a professor of mine made the statement that “fifty-percent of college students meet their spouse in college.” I thought splendid; I’ve got four years to find my soul mate. At the time I thought I had met my soul mate, but alas, he was not the mate of my soul, he actually played with my mind pretty well. The years go by, I see my friends coupling up with these great guys, I even had a friend get married and have a baby IN college. I wasn’t getting it, why couldn’t I meet my soul mate? For me, there were guys in college, but never ones where I thought this could go somewhere further than happy hours and after the bar texts. Towards the end of college and a year or so after, I became consumed with the fact that I was single and there was no one even near my radar who I would even consider eligible in the husband running. That really bummed me out, because still in my mind the next logical step was finding my future husband. Then by a stroke of luck, I moved to the west coast.
I wouldn’t say it’s slower in Los Angeles. There is still the hustle and bustle, but there is something about it that I still can’t put my finger on it that makes it have that laid back feel. I haven’t met one twenty-something out here that is married. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m just saying they haven’t crossed my path. The youngest person I personally know here that is married is 35. It just seems like there is no rush to walk down the aisle. I look at my life now and couldn’t imagine being married at 24, let alone now at 27. Moving away from everyone and everything you have ever known really helps you take a look at yourself. I’ve learned I’m not mature enough, responsible enough, or willing enough to be married any time soon. Everyone says marriage is work, I’m still trying to work on my work and I’m doing that while having a full-time job. So by default, if I were to get married now, I would have three jobs, three, that number is probably more than I have in my bank account right now.
Living here has also changed my idea on how my wedding will play out. I always assumed I would get married in a church, with my church pastor, have a huge reception in some ballroom with a champagne fountain, a cheese fountain, and a chocolate fountain. Well it turns out I don’t have a church pastor because I haven’t been to church since 10th grade. And wouldn’t it be so much cooler to have a close friend who really knows you marry you? And why would I get married indoors? Uh, have you seen a west coast sunset? A west coast sunset, is the only thing that would make me find Jesus. The beach, at sunset is where it’s at, no matter how cliche. An indoor reception? What am I afraid of? Rain? Ha! No thanks, a reception under the stars will do. The fountains are still part of the plan though.
I’m not saying that it seems like people don’t want to get married or don’t want relationships here. Every single girl wants to be in a relationship no matter if you are on the east coast, west coast, or in Nebraska, I’m just saying there is a different view of marriage. Maybe it’s the Hollywood divorce rate, or maybe it’s the Santa Ana winds, who knows? Perhaps the east coast 20s are the west coast’s 30s? 40s? I love all my married friends back east and their marriages are great and work for them. I just think what worked for them wouldn’t work for me. I'm really grateful to the west coast for opening my eyes and my mind and showing me a different perspective and way life can go.
When I first moved to LA and would visit home I would always be asked “How is it different?” I would get stuck because I didn’t really notice huge differences. A person will flip you off whether you are driving on the 5 freeway in California or on 95 in Philly. The only solid answer I could ever give with conviction was how when you are in a store checking out, EVERYONE uses that divider thingy. I was then looked at like I was the weirdo, not these people who were afraid their items would get mixed in with the person’s behind them and they would never be able to figure out whose is whose. I found it really peculiar and I still do. Although I comply with this unwritten rule it will forever make me feel uncomfortable.
I have been here for about 2 1/2 years and have flown back east for three weddings, with a guaranteed three more weddings in the next year and a half. The oldest friend I have that has gotten married so far was 26. The other two were 24 and 25. In 2013 I’ll actually bump up the oldest to 29. My visits home entail playing with friends’ babies, in their houses, with their wedding pictures on the mantle. If we want to have night out, plans have to be made before I fly home so they can get baby-sitters.
Growing up I thought I’ll graduate high school, go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married, have kids by the time I’m 25 so then I’ll only be 46 when they are 21 and that won’t make it weird if I want to bar hop with them. I figured that’s how life works. College came along and a professor of mine made the statement that “fifty-percent of college students meet their spouse in college.” I thought splendid; I’ve got four years to find my soul mate. At the time I thought I had met my soul mate, but alas, he was not the mate of my soul, he actually played with my mind pretty well. The years go by, I see my friends coupling up with these great guys, I even had a friend get married and have a baby IN college. I wasn’t getting it, why couldn’t I meet my soul mate? For me, there were guys in college, but never ones where I thought this could go somewhere further than happy hours and after the bar texts. Towards the end of college and a year or so after, I became consumed with the fact that I was single and there was no one even near my radar who I would even consider eligible in the husband running. That really bummed me out, because still in my mind the next logical step was finding my future husband. Then by a stroke of luck, I moved to the west coast.
I wouldn’t say it’s slower in Los Angeles. There is still the hustle and bustle, but there is something about it that I still can’t put my finger on it that makes it have that laid back feel. I haven’t met one twenty-something out here that is married. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m just saying they haven’t crossed my path. The youngest person I personally know here that is married is 35. It just seems like there is no rush to walk down the aisle. I look at my life now and couldn’t imagine being married at 24, let alone now at 27. Moving away from everyone and everything you have ever known really helps you take a look at yourself. I’ve learned I’m not mature enough, responsible enough, or willing enough to be married any time soon. Everyone says marriage is work, I’m still trying to work on my work and I’m doing that while having a full-time job. So by default, if I were to get married now, I would have three jobs, three, that number is probably more than I have in my bank account right now.
Living here has also changed my idea on how my wedding will play out. I always assumed I would get married in a church, with my church pastor, have a huge reception in some ballroom with a champagne fountain, a cheese fountain, and a chocolate fountain. Well it turns out I don’t have a church pastor because I haven’t been to church since 10th grade. And wouldn’t it be so much cooler to have a close friend who really knows you marry you? And why would I get married indoors? Uh, have you seen a west coast sunset? A west coast sunset, is the only thing that would make me find Jesus. The beach, at sunset is where it’s at, no matter how cliche. An indoor reception? What am I afraid of? Rain? Ha! No thanks, a reception under the stars will do. The fountains are still part of the plan though.
I’m not saying that it seems like people don’t want to get married or don’t want relationships here. Every single girl wants to be in a relationship no matter if you are on the east coast, west coast, or in Nebraska, I’m just saying there is a different view of marriage. Maybe it’s the Hollywood divorce rate, or maybe it’s the Santa Ana winds, who knows? Perhaps the east coast 20s are the west coast’s 30s? 40s? I love all my married friends back east and their marriages are great and work for them. I just think what worked for them wouldn’t work for me. I'm really grateful to the west coast for opening my eyes and my mind and showing me a different perspective and way life can go.
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