Questions.
It seems to me that in our society questions are asked more than statements are made, unless you are a know-it-all, or you own a website called ionlymakestatments.com, or you're me. I put myself in the statement column because I almost basically know everything that needs to be known, yet I'm not that pompous that I can't admit that I do ask questions in my head daily.* The majority of them beginning with "is this appropriate to say?" Here are some of the questions I ask that don't start with "is this appropriate to say?"
*Yes, I do answer myself, I know you were all wondering. Maybe I am that pompous?
Why are you Facebook-ing/tweeting songs from the most obscure artists you know, ALL THE TIME?
I get it. We all like to find new or unknown artists so we can help promote a real talent who isn't getting enough credit, or just to pretentiously show off our "non-trendy" musical tastes to our friends, but don’t act like your “#nowplaying” on iTunes is never something like Chumbawamba or a Hootie and the Blowfish song (the Dolphins made me cry too, Hootie. "Laces out."). There is no way you never liked at least one Billboard Hot 100 song from the past 25 years (*ahem* .... hipsters)
*I'm not ashamed of my musical tastes. Sure, I'll throw a Butch Walker or a The Streets song up there, but I'm not going to act like Kiss From a Rose is a guilty pleausre. I fucking love that song. I proudly blast it with windows down in the car. I belt it out in the shower. I have favorited that YouTube video of the drunk guy singing it to his cat. It is and always will be in my top 5 songs of all time.
Why are you going to cut me off when there are no cars behind me?
I'm driving along, just driving along, I see you. You want to pull out. I look in my rearview mirror to see if I should slow down and let you slide in, but there is no one within a one mile radius behind me. I see you looking my way and I see your inner struggle on whether or not to pull out. I see your face make the decision that it's going to be okay and you can hold out for an extra 20 seconds before pulling out, but yet, you still shoot out in front of me, at the last minute. The worst part? You stay in my lane. Get the fuck over, yo. There’s no one for a two mile radius in the next lane over. Oh you're not going to get over? Okay, fine, I'll just ride your ass* for a while and when I notice you are looking in your mirror I'll throw a menacing look at you.
*If I had just written the phrases 'pulling out' and 'ride your ass', this could have gone down a completely different path.
Why did you take the bathroom stall right next to me?
There are four stalls, I’m in the third one down. I know, I know I made it awkward by chopping your choices down from two to one, but come on. Are you doing this to spite me? Also did you try to open my door to spite me? It's not cracked open like the other three. One more thing, with probably the three women who work on this floor, are you putting down the seat cover because you are afraid one of us has AIDS? First off, it’s 2012, you can’t get “it”* from the toilet seat, stop being ignorant and get educated. Second, no one ever goes in the fourth stall because it’s for handicapped people, and you are not handicapped... physically, but mentally, we may just have to have a discussion about that.
*it = AIDS
Why do people act shocked that haven't you read '50 Shades of Grey' yet?
I just haven't had the time, okay? It's hard to find the time after a long day at the office to light candles, get into bed*, pretend Christian Grey is Ian Somerhalder and go at it... (the book, people... the book... I think -- TBD).
*The last time I read a book in bed it was 'The Last Song' I cried myself to sleep and woke up with my eyes swollen shut.
Why do people ask you how your weekend was when they don't really care?
I guess this can be kind of subjective. I find however, in my own life that the people who ask you how your weekend was don't really care, they are just waiting for you to say "it was good, how about yours?" so from that cue they can go on and on about their "amazing" weekend that you could care less about, and in actuality was far from "amazing." I don't care that you went to see 'Little Shop of Horrors' and haven't been to a play in a while and forgot what it was like. It's going in one ear and out the other. I never ask people how their weekends were. I don't care how their weekends were, unless I was already privy to something they were doing, like trying to sneak up to the Hollywood sign, or how funny their tweets were because they were roofied* and had no clue, or they were doing lines off of Zac Efron's abs.
*I wish Twitter was around the three times I've been roofied, I would have been a hoot, I think.
Why isn't there a universal legislation on assault rifles across the country?
Nope. Too deep.
Why isn't there a universal way of payment in parking garages and lots?
There's no issue with parking somewhere that gives you the either/or option, but what is up with that 'cash only' or 'credit only'? I usually have just my card and 75 cents in dimes and pennies on me at any given time. Then you have those handful of lots that don't have a sign that says cash only until you hand your card over and the parking attendent says, in an accent "only cash" so then you have to be all like "okay can I go back in, park, and find an ATM?" He goes "yeah" and then gets out of his little throne of a booth and directs the three cars behind (a Mercedes, a BMW, and a Lexus, respectively) to back up so you can back up. Then you have to walk to the street look both ways notice there is no bank and use your senses to figure out if you should turn left or right. You find an ATM* seven blocks away and it's one of those weird ones that charge you a $2.25 surcharge, you have no choice, then you take out twenty dollars and after you complete the transaction you think to yourself "shit, I should have taken out more if I was going to pay that crazy surcharge." You walk back to the garage, get in your car and drive back to the booth and hand the guy your ticket and he tells you "That'll be $3.25."
*Do people still call ATMs, MAC machines? I used to but it seemed that the acronym became obsolete two weeks after I got my first MAC card (ohhhh!).
*Yes, I do answer myself, I know you were all wondering. Maybe I am that pompous?
Why are you Facebook-ing/tweeting songs from the most obscure artists you know, ALL THE TIME?
I get it. We all like to find new or unknown artists so we can help promote a real talent who isn't getting enough credit, or just to pretentiously show off our "non-trendy" musical tastes to our friends, but don’t act like your “#nowplaying” on iTunes is never something like Chumbawamba or a Hootie and the Blowfish song (the Dolphins made me cry too, Hootie. "Laces out."). There is no way you never liked at least one Billboard Hot 100 song from the past 25 years (*ahem* .... hipsters)
*I'm not ashamed of my musical tastes. Sure, I'll throw a Butch Walker or a The Streets song up there, but I'm not going to act like Kiss From a Rose is a guilty pleausre. I fucking love that song. I proudly blast it with windows down in the car. I belt it out in the shower. I have favorited that YouTube video of the drunk guy singing it to his cat. It is and always will be in my top 5 songs of all time.
Why are you going to cut me off when there are no cars behind me?
I'm driving along, just driving along, I see you. You want to pull out. I look in my rearview mirror to see if I should slow down and let you slide in, but there is no one within a one mile radius behind me. I see you looking my way and I see your inner struggle on whether or not to pull out. I see your face make the decision that it's going to be okay and you can hold out for an extra 20 seconds before pulling out, but yet, you still shoot out in front of me, at the last minute. The worst part? You stay in my lane. Get the fuck over, yo. There’s no one for a two mile radius in the next lane over. Oh you're not going to get over? Okay, fine, I'll just ride your ass* for a while and when I notice you are looking in your mirror I'll throw a menacing look at you.
*If I had just written the phrases 'pulling out' and 'ride your ass', this could have gone down a completely different path.
Why did you take the bathroom stall right next to me?
There are four stalls, I’m in the third one down. I know, I know I made it awkward by chopping your choices down from two to one, but come on. Are you doing this to spite me? Also did you try to open my door to spite me? It's not cracked open like the other three. One more thing, with probably the three women who work on this floor, are you putting down the seat cover because you are afraid one of us has AIDS? First off, it’s 2012, you can’t get “it”* from the toilet seat, stop being ignorant and get educated. Second, no one ever goes in the fourth stall because it’s for handicapped people, and you are not handicapped... physically, but mentally, we may just have to have a discussion about that.
*it = AIDS
Why do people act shocked that haven't you read '50 Shades of Grey' yet?
I just haven't had the time, okay? It's hard to find the time after a long day at the office to light candles, get into bed*, pretend Christian Grey is Ian Somerhalder and go at it... (the book, people... the book... I think -- TBD).
*The last time I read a book in bed it was 'The Last Song' I cried myself to sleep and woke up with my eyes swollen shut.
Why do people ask you how your weekend was when they don't really care?
I guess this can be kind of subjective. I find however, in my own life that the people who ask you how your weekend was don't really care, they are just waiting for you to say "it was good, how about yours?" so from that cue they can go on and on about their "amazing" weekend that you could care less about, and in actuality was far from "amazing." I don't care that you went to see 'Little Shop of Horrors' and haven't been to a play in a while and forgot what it was like. It's going in one ear and out the other. I never ask people how their weekends were. I don't care how their weekends were, unless I was already privy to something they were doing, like trying to sneak up to the Hollywood sign, or how funny their tweets were because they were roofied* and had no clue, or they were doing lines off of Zac Efron's abs.
*I wish Twitter was around the three times I've been roofied, I would have been a hoot, I think.
Nope. Too deep.
Why isn't there a universal way of payment in parking garages and lots?
There's no issue with parking somewhere that gives you the either/or option, but what is up with that 'cash only' or 'credit only'? I usually have just my card and 75 cents in dimes and pennies on me at any given time. Then you have those handful of lots that don't have a sign that says cash only until you hand your card over and the parking attendent says, in an accent "only cash" so then you have to be all like "okay can I go back in, park, and find an ATM?" He goes "yeah" and then gets out of his little throne of a booth and directs the three cars behind (a Mercedes, a BMW, and a Lexus, respectively) to back up so you can back up. Then you have to walk to the street look both ways notice there is no bank and use your senses to figure out if you should turn left or right. You find an ATM* seven blocks away and it's one of those weird ones that charge you a $2.25 surcharge, you have no choice, then you take out twenty dollars and after you complete the transaction you think to yourself "shit, I should have taken out more if I was going to pay that crazy surcharge." You walk back to the garage, get in your car and drive back to the booth and hand the guy your ticket and he tells you "That'll be $3.25."
*Do people still call ATMs, MAC machines? I used to but it seemed that the acronym became obsolete two weeks after I got my first MAC card (ohhhh!).
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