Write What You Know
“Write what you know.” That’s what everyone tells writers to do. It’s a phrase embedded in your brain from the moment you take your first baby step in writing. It’s like the “stop, drop and roll” phrase for Kindergartners or the “never leave your drink unattended” warning for girls who fear adventure or have no zest in life. Even non-writers tell writers to write what they know; a parking attendant said it to me the other day. Well here are some things I know.
-I know dipping your French Fries in mayonnaise is tasty as shit.
Yes. It's very unhealthy, but the Europeans do it and they are skinnier, smarter, and richer than me so why can't I reach for those stars?
-I know I enjoy the way a beer burp feels in my throat.
You have to hold the burp in to get the effect. It kind of feels like a vibrating throat tickle, in a good way.
-If you are a close friend of mine, I may not remember when your favorite aunt died or your birthday without help from Facebook, but do I know your taste in TV shows better than you do.
I am very adamant about this. If I suggest a show for you to watch… watch it. If you don’t, not only is that an insult to me, it’s going to reflect poorly on you and is going to make me assume that you aren’t as intelligent as I once thought you were.
-I know that Zac Efron has a big penis.
This is just some common sense knowledge. Like, no = negative, Zac Efron = big penis
-I know my jeans size at American Eagle.
I’ve been purchasing my jeans there for years and years, sure the ones I have on right now are a little tight in the thunder thigh section of my body, but thats only because I’ve gained some weight due to my increased burger intake over the last month or so. I’m working on my liquid diet now so soon they will be looking a lot better on me.
-I know my shoe size for Chuck Taylors (9, what! what!)
I think I may even be able to slide into an 8 ½ soon.
-I know v-necks really accentuate my collar bone
This is why I buy the same shirts in multiple colors and styles as long as it's v-neck. I'm wearing an almost tie-dye v-neck today. Do I care that I look like I'm from 1994? No, because the shirt is making my collar bone fucking pop.
-I know Pluto is not a planet.
Basically discrediting my entire academic career.
-I know with some people, what I do is truly bordering on the boundaries of cyber stalking.
I WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH YOU!
-I know there are 2 people in my inner circle that I don’t actually like.
I have to keep them there because they know a bunch of my secrets. (Yup. You and you)
-I know if I was with a friend and we were being robbed at gunpoint, I wouldn't think twice about using them as a human shield.
I used to always say when I was much younger and didn’t know anything about the world we live in that I would gladly take a bullet for a friend. I realize now in part to my awareness of my selfishness that I was just being overly and inappropriately optimistic.
-I know when I get married; it won’t slow down my drinking.
Well when I’m pregnant it will. One glass of wine a week?
-I know it makes me angry when someone asks me a pop culture question and they, in return then question my answer.
Also, there are some questions that you shouldn’t even be asking me. Google it you lazy pieces.
I know I'm more than likely going to die in a car crash.
It won't even be from texting or drinking and driving. It'll be because I saw some stupid bird, who I don't even like, with a broken wing laying in front of my car and I slam on the brakes (because I guess for some reason on this day I decided to activiate my soul) and the asshole in back of me, who has been tailgating me for miles and miles doesn't have enough time to brake, so he slams into me, and my seatbelt is stuck so it doesn't have any give, and the impact was so hard my body needs to propel forward, but can't because I'm stuck in the death trap that is my sealtbelt, and the force and pressure is so hard that the belt decapitates my head. Yup. Just slices it right off my body. I have to have a closed casket because they couldn't sew my head back on in time, and as people walk into my viewing the music mix playing will be ironic songs, such as 'Ironic', 'Life is a Highway', 'Shut Up and Drive' 'La Carchacha' (translated: The Jalopy), and 'Broken Wings'. But hey guys, don't worry, this isn't going to happen until 2072, at the earliest.
I know as much as I have a love/hate relationship with Justin Bieber, I will be sad if Selena Gomez and him break up.
Not as sad as when Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato broke up, but still, sad. Does anybody else think Justin is anorexic?
I know if I tell myself daily that I have to do my laundry, I won't do it, for weeks.
My annual spending on socks and underwear is through the roof. Through. The. Roof.
I know when I have a baby, I will drop it, more than once.
-I've had my iPhone for 2 weeks and have dropped it 4 times already (I wish this was a joke) I don't know why I didn't get the Otter case when the AT&T rep showed it to me, I said I'm pretty careful with my phones. Meanwhile turning in a Blackberry with missing volume buttons, a battery cover that was taped and a missing * key.
-I know dipping your French Fries in mayonnaise is tasty as shit.
Yes. It's very unhealthy, but the Europeans do it and they are skinnier, smarter, and richer than me so why can't I reach for those stars?
-I know I enjoy the way a beer burp feels in my throat.
You have to hold the burp in to get the effect. It kind of feels like a vibrating throat tickle, in a good way.
-If you are a close friend of mine, I may not remember when your favorite aunt died or your birthday without help from Facebook, but do I know your taste in TV shows better than you do.
I am very adamant about this. If I suggest a show for you to watch… watch it. If you don’t, not only is that an insult to me, it’s going to reflect poorly on you and is going to make me assume that you aren’t as intelligent as I once thought you were.
-I know that Zac Efron has a big penis.
This is just some common sense knowledge. Like, no = negative, Zac Efron = big penis
-I know my jeans size at American Eagle.
I’ve been purchasing my jeans there for years and years, sure the ones I have on right now are a little tight in the thunder thigh section of my body, but thats only because I’ve gained some weight due to my increased burger intake over the last month or so. I’m working on my liquid diet now so soon they will be looking a lot better on me.
-I know my shoe size for Chuck Taylors (9, what! what!)
I think I may even be able to slide into an 8 ½ soon.
-I know v-necks really accentuate my collar bone
This is why I buy the same shirts in multiple colors and styles as long as it's v-neck. I'm wearing an almost tie-dye v-neck today. Do I care that I look like I'm from 1994? No, because the shirt is making my collar bone fucking pop.
-I know Pluto is not a planet.
Basically discrediting my entire academic career.
-I know with some people, what I do is truly bordering on the boundaries of cyber stalking.
I WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH YOU!
-I know there are 2 people in my inner circle that I don’t actually like.
I have to keep them there because they know a bunch of my secrets. (Yup. You and you)
-I know if I was with a friend and we were being robbed at gunpoint, I wouldn't think twice about using them as a human shield.
I used to always say when I was much younger and didn’t know anything about the world we live in that I would gladly take a bullet for a friend. I realize now in part to my awareness of my selfishness that I was just being overly and inappropriately optimistic.
-I know when I get married; it won’t slow down my drinking.
Well when I’m pregnant it will. One glass of wine a week?
-I know it makes me angry when someone asks me a pop culture question and they, in return then question my answer.
Also, there are some questions that you shouldn’t even be asking me. Google it you lazy pieces.
I know I'm more than likely going to die in a car crash.
It won't even be from texting or drinking and driving. It'll be because I saw some stupid bird, who I don't even like, with a broken wing laying in front of my car and I slam on the brakes (because I guess for some reason on this day I decided to activiate my soul) and the asshole in back of me, who has been tailgating me for miles and miles doesn't have enough time to brake, so he slams into me, and my seatbelt is stuck so it doesn't have any give, and the impact was so hard my body needs to propel forward, but can't because I'm stuck in the death trap that is my sealtbelt, and the force and pressure is so hard that the belt decapitates my head. Yup. Just slices it right off my body. I have to have a closed casket because they couldn't sew my head back on in time, and as people walk into my viewing the music mix playing will be ironic songs, such as 'Ironic', 'Life is a Highway', 'Shut Up and Drive' 'La Carchacha' (translated: The Jalopy), and 'Broken Wings'. But hey guys, don't worry, this isn't going to happen until 2072, at the earliest.
I know as much as I have a love/hate relationship with Justin Bieber, I will be sad if Selena Gomez and him break up.
Not as sad as when Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato broke up, but still, sad. Does anybody else think Justin is anorexic?
I know if I tell myself daily that I have to do my laundry, I won't do it, for weeks.
My annual spending on socks and underwear is through the roof. Through. The. Roof.
I know when I have a baby, I will drop it, more than once.
-I've had my iPhone for 2 weeks and have dropped it 4 times already (I wish this was a joke) I don't know why I didn't get the Otter case when the AT&T rep showed it to me, I said I'm pretty careful with my phones. Meanwhile turning in a Blackberry with missing volume buttons, a battery cover that was taped and a missing * key.
you may have dropped the phone but believe me, you will not drop the babies. No worry,
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