I'm Serious. I'm Kidding.

I didn’t really want to write this, but every bone in my body was making me. It’s an urge, like my libido, that I couldn't suppress. I’m pissed I’m writing this.  I’m pissed I just wrote that sentence.  I’m pissed this is my second concern this month, I don’t like to have more than one concern. I’m pissed this is the second time this year this was a concern.  I’m pissed that at our rate, I’ll probably have this concern again in 2013, Lord willing I can have concerns after the events that may or may not transpire next Friday. I have this weird feeling that come December 25th, while we are all are opening presents and shaking our heads in embarrassment towards our family  members, we'll all be thinking about 26 other families. More so, the 20 families with gifts that as I'm typing this are already wrapped for people that will never have a chance to open them.  I'm not a mother, nor am I ready to be one in any future that is near, but after this last mass m

Guilty pleasures. We all have them... for a while. Then one day, we finally grow a pair, either metaphorically or if you're a guy and your testicles have stilllllll not descended you get a pair too. I won't speak for you, but in my eyes and maybe only in mine, it seems as you grow older, your guilty pleasures become less and less guilty and bit by bit more endearing. Chandra's go-to Example: The Disney Channel Who didn't grow up obsessed with Duck Tales (wooo-hooo),  Under the Umbrella Tree, Mickey Mouse Club, Darkwing Duck, and Kidssssss Incorrrrparated ( K-I-D-S), Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers.  Nothing to be ashamed about, but then...I was in my 20s (WAIT, I'M STILL IN MY 20s) and refound the Disney Channel like people who become born again Christians. I became obsessed with Hannah Montana, High School Musical,  Wizards of Waverly Place,  The Suite Life of Zack and Cody... followed by The Suite Life on Deck) ... the list could go on. When a guy came along,

Can you laugh at least one of these quotes? " Ah yeah David, I did take a whore's bath, okay? I had a one night stand and didn't have time to shower. So did I rub some dryer sheets on my pits and throw  some water on my hush at Au Bon Pain? Yes I did." "Every group needs a Dave, like Dave Matthews band...y eah,  like  in  Dave Matthews Band ,  Carter Beauford  is the  Dave !" "Okay, so if I take Tuesday before Monday, I'll die instantly..." "He's talking about his Batman and Throbbin'." "You absolutely know where Michigan is, you were an extra in '8 Mile'." "No I'm not pretending I'm pregnant anymore. This is not eighth grade gym class." " Quaint. Isn't that the space between a gal's goal and her penalty box?" “If you wanna know what else is gay go to  www.whatisgay.biz . I tried to get .gov but it was taken.” If you did, read on, it you can't get off

This is my 'Things that Concern Me', if nothing else dire pops up in the next two weeks. Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks. It dates back to when one species of humans met another species of humans, broke bread and eventually in time, the one human species wiped out the other human species.  Fortunately, not entirely though. Could you imagine a world without Indian casinos?? Me neither.  I love Thanksgiving. I love giving thanks, and I love the food.  Off the top of my head, here are a few things I’m thankful for that never become old: I’m thankful I have no STDs. I’m thankful that the main meat on Thanksgiving is turkey. I’m thankful for my mother who, without her, I would probably be lying in some ditch, dead, with a needle in my decomposed body. I'm thankful for my closest friends, present and past, for shaping me into the person I am. I consider you guys family (also if you don't like me, blame them) I’m thankful... well prior to the premiere of “16 &am

It’s been a cool minute, guys. I got a little inspired today to write a post.  Maybe a person inspired me or maybe its since I’ve been sober for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT my brain has more functionality. Who knows? God?  It’s easy to go “hey, I’m going to write a blog post”, but it’s not as easy to decide on what to write it about.  A couple of ideas did immediately pop into my head; rape, which I could intertwine with Elmo and then end with some kind of fantasy about me, Zac Efron and a cloud of cocaine, then I thought “nah, talking about rape would probably be too soon for my Republican friends.”  My next idea was to write an open/single white female-ish letter to Mindy Kaling. I thought it would be “quirky and ironic” (my exact words) considering neither of us are white.  That idea was quickly shot down with a “that seems sad” from a person who calls penises, “rigs.”  I’d like to call myself a pretty self-deprecating person, and not for the pity party but for thrice other reasons. 

Hey. Yo, Facebook...lets talk about the election, and who you want to win. I’m doing this in a blog post, because that’s where it should be done. Not as your Facebook status. I don’t need to see a nine line Facebook status about how Romney is amazing and Obama is the devil and vice versa.  I also do not need to see people posting six line status’ on how they are annoyed by people posting  political/presidential/election status’ ... if you want to bash Obama, or Romney, or Lindsay Lohan...GET. A. FUCKING. BLOG.  Link your blog post on your Facebook wall, that way, people get a choice on whether or not to read your ramblings...(mostly Republicans...just kidding, I’m a Republican. Just kidding about just kidding, about just kidding. Where is Ross Perot?)   The only political posts I, and the majority, and by majority, I think I mean the “47%” want to see are funny ones. Please, make funny, intellectual...yet witty, maybe even thought provoking posts about the candidates, their police

I have a new found hobby. Many people know how entertaining it is to read Yelp reviews, but do you know how much fun it is to read app reviews in the App Store?  I chose four of my favorite apps and checked out the first 50 reviews of each, these are some of my favorites. INSTAGRAM How can you compare MySpace and Twitter? Is it because you are on crack cocaine heroin? Also, what exactly is crack cocaine heroin? Like a super magic eight ball?   Listen up Rosie baby, your problem isn't with Instagram, it's with China. Go complain to them, I'm sure they'll understand. Omg. Your Instagram app can talk???? You know what's not ideal? Your last name is Wex. TWITTER Nope. No one is kidding here, Helen. I feel you. Reminds me of the days when I was a kid and actually had to be home to hit 'record' on the VCR every Tuesday night to tape a new episode of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'   You are such a stalker, and I LOVE it. Follow me. I

Dear Co-worker who shall not be named, (if you know me and you are reading this, you know exactly who I am talking about) I’m a highly tolerant person. I accept and am kind to all types of people, including, but not limited to; people with different shapes, sizes, colors, sexual orientations, STDs, and body odors. Even if I don’t tolerate you, I will try my best to not show it to you. However, there are some things that I just cannot tolerate. Included, but not limited to; blantant rudeness, morbid obesity (that was brought on by your own eating habits), extreme laziness, conniving charm, lying,  and getting away with lying (I may be jealous of that one) If you look into your own mind's eye, what luck I had come across, when two and a half years ago, I went down to the lobby of our office building and I met you. For what your job description entailed, I was at first, very surprised to see your 400 pound stature, but you got up from the chair, shook my hand and with a beaming s