My Strengths

It’s been a cool minute, guys. I got a little inspired today to write a post.  Maybe a person inspired me or maybe its since I’ve been sober for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT my brain has more functionality. Who knows? God?  It’s easy to go “hey, I’m going to write a blog post”, but it’s not as easy to decide on what to write it about.  A couple of ideas did immediately pop into my head; rape, which I could intertwine with Elmo and then end with some kind of fantasy about me, Zac Efron and a cloud of cocaine, then I thought “nah, talking about rape would probably be too soon for my Republican friends.”  My next idea was to write an open/single white female-ish letter to Mindy Kaling. I thought it would be “quirky and ironic” (my exact words) considering neither of us are white.  That idea was quickly shot down with a “that seems sad” from a person who calls penises, “rigs.” 

I’d like to call myself a pretty self-deprecating person, and not for the pity party but for thrice other reasons. 

Orice- I’ve become self aware of my bad habits/qualities/attributes etc.

Trice- I do it for the laughs, because let’s face it, laughing is my Xanax, heroin, ecstasy {insert your own personal preferred DOC}  

Thrice – the psychological defense mechanism of,  "before you say it, I’ll say it and it will be ten times funnier than any way you could have possibly said it, because I'm ten times funnier than you or your unborn child will ever be. 

Being so awesome and and becoming more self aware everyday has made me realize that whenever I go on my next job interview and the interviewer asks me what my weaknesses are, I’ll just name drop this blog and tell him to soak them all in. I’m slowly learning though that as I find more and more weaknesses, I find a strength here or there as well.

So if you will allow it, I want to be a bit of a braggart and share some of my strengths with all of you. And to show you I'm not a self-righteous asshole, many of these will be a kind of a “turn your weakness into a strength” strength.

Strengths

I know when it’s time to start watching what I eat or drink. 

When my muffin top starts to look like one of those huge wild, poison mushroom tops you see in backyards, I know it’s time to switch from Miller Lites to solely vodka or whiskey drinks and when I get hungry I down a venti triple shot nonfat caramel macchiato.

I’m very persuasive.

When’s it’s 2 AM and I have work in the morning, I can always convince myself to just have “one more drink” before bed.

I’m a very committed person.

Be it only to inanimate objects and TV shows. Human commitment freaks me out, which is actually a bonus strength, because human relationships up your chance of ending up dead on 'Dateline'

I can diffuse a tough situation for you quickly by making it about me.

Aw. Did your favorite grandmother just die right in front of you? Are you trying to "stay strong" and stop cutting yourself?  I can automatically turn your thoughts from these things by getting that "weird, uncomfortable in my own skin right now" look on my face because you’re trying to get real with me and that’s just not what I’m about.

I'm really good at falling asleep, anywhere, anytime.

This comes in handy, especially for the inevitable time when I will be involved in some kind of mass shooting at a mall, or church, or playground, or soup kitchen and I have to "play dead" unless my deviated septum gets the best of me and I start to snore.

I'm really good at suppressing my obsessive personality.

That's what Google Alerts are for.

I'm really good at exhibiting my depression for laziness.

This can go both ways, you will never know because, its almost always guaranteed that every Saturday afternoon you can find me on my couch watching seasons of TV on Netflix.

I'm really good at not doing a good job of explaining what I do at work. 

Unless you work with me, you truly wouldn't be able to tell anyone what it is I exactly do besides "sometimes she sends me pictures of guns and black tar heroin" 

-the previous is a double edged sword because...

At the same time, I'm really good at cockblocking myself by trying to explain my job. 

This is probably why the one of the Mayans from SOA has yet to accept my friend request on Facebook.

I'm exceptional at holding in farts.

I have only farted in front of people once in my entire life. I didn't even know it was coming. It sounded like a sonic boom. From that night on I made it a priority and lifelong commitment to make sure it never happened again, and it hasn't, mainly because...I don't fart.

Thank goodness for self-awareness (I'm not sure I have the correct definition)

Also if anyone knows a place in LA interviewing in the industry....I'M READY!