I've Got a Theory

I have a relationship with the clerk in the store where I buy my beef jerky and copenhagen—I mean where I buy my quinoa and acai. I’m in there about twice a week  and have been going to this store for  basically the entire time I’ve lived in LA.  We aren’t wordsmiths towards each other, but we have facial recognition and the “Hey! How are you? Good to see you.” down pat.  Yesterday something happened.

He rung me up (I got a cherry blow pop that he didn’t charge me for) I swiped my card because plastic makes it easier to believe that you aren’t spending anything. I grabbed my bag of Colt 45 and two zig zags* (I mean because baby…that's all I need)—I mean, organic bananas and almonds, I turned about 35 degrees, got one foot up ready to take a step when he mumbled to me. He either said,

“How about that plane?”

“Crazy about the plane.”

“What do you think about that plane?”

Till this day I don't and do not believe I’ll ever know what he initally said. I just kind of looked at him until I heard him say “unbelievable” while shaking his head and waiting for me to agree with him. I replied with “I know.” He said he had been watching the news all day just waiting to hear something, anything, “All those people.” Then something in my head clicked and I thought to myself “Omg, what happened in the world today?! I have no idea I haven't been on Twitter all day.” My mind then went to the most probable scenarios, either a building collapse (because I feel like I heard about six building collapses in the past three days) or a shooting in the most ridiculous, bewildering place imaginable like a peewee soccer convention or a Nordstroms. So I just went along with the clerk and shook my head empathetically and once again said “I know.” He finally said “Do you think it landed on an island?” I lit up and thought “PLANE? Got it. We good here.” I actually think my face did light up because his lit up  as well. I think he thought I was impressed by his theory which really wasn't a theory, or much of anything. We then spent the next two minutes trying to put both our heads together to try and come up with a reason to tell world how this happened. We  then said our goodbyes and I now cannot go back to that store for 2-3 weeks because I don’t like familiarity like that. It makes me uncomfortable.

When I heard about the disappearing plane I was like “whoa, that’s crazy” and throughout the week people would talk about it and I would be like “whoa, crazy” but for some reason when this man that I have known for four years now wants to have our first ever conversation with substance I got mind fucked.

You guys, it just like disappeared…it’s gone. This is the type of story that would give six year old me nightmares after seeing it on Unsolved Mysteries. Can we blame someone for this? Can we blame the FAA? The TSA? The AARP? I keep picturing a plane in my head flying in the sky and just disappearing, it didn’t go up or down it just ceased. I also keep seeing birds flying at super low altitudes when I'm driving like they are going to hit the windshield. I think they are crows every time. If I'm correct, that either means I'm going to come into money, or die tragically, slowly and painfully.

I really really hope the plane didn’t crash into the water and everyone is just going to be laying at the bottom an ocean for the next 200 years until smarter people come along and figure out what happened and where the wreckage is. These people in 2214 are also going to be able fix other problems our society can’t today like cancer and Alzheimers and people driving in carpool lane when they are the only person in the car (STOP THAT).

Anyway here is my theory. There is like two percent of me that believes that really happened. I kind of hope it happened because that would be cool. I also kind of hope that didn’t happpen because I’m already freaked out enough about this….

I think that those 239 people hit the Rapture.** 

Yup they were the chose peeps.  And if you are still here reading this…? The next 7 years should be fun.  

I’m so torn between fear and another word that’s the opposite of fear but excited for it but I don’t know what is happening with this sentence but it is not making any sense and I don’t even care, I care a little bit but you know, a plane disappeared, so ….priorities.

I don’t know even know where Malaysia is …is it a country?

public school/private college right here.

*I feel like I should have capitalized Zig Zags, but I didn't want to so I did it here in this footnote.

** Apparently after this was written it was all but confirmed that the pilots did it, in the library, with a foghorn