MY POLL NUMBERS
WHOA. Writing. On a Friday. Eating ribs. Little tired. Bladder… half empty.
Hi. I haven’t had an overwhelming need to write junk that is more than 140 characters and throw it into a blog and have it live on the internet forever or until the internet goes into foreclosure in a while.
Why now you ask?
I legitimately had a panic attack the other day because I realized my debit card expires in October. As I could feel each beat of my heart hitting my sternum, or my ribs* (whatever bone is in front of my heart) I watched a clip of Bernie Sanders talking about poll numbers. I wrote a note “write about debit card or polls”
A post about my debit card would have talked about the impending doom I’d feel once my card expires and I receive another one. Do you know how many websites and phone apps my card info is stored in? (Do I know how unsafe it probably is for me to just have disclosed that on the internet? Eh. CARPE DIEM, son) I would have to go in to each one and change my card info. I then quickly was also riddled with anxiety because I don’t remember any passwords for my accounts because they are either touch ID or saved (once again I’m being SUPER SAFE AND PROTECTIVE over my online presence and identity) but yeah, so I actually don’t need to know my passwords. Soooooooooooo... we’re good here. I’m fine. October will be great. DISREGARD ALL YOU’VE JUST READ. Sorry I’ve wasted your time, but at least I didn’t cram 11 cookies into the VCR.
Okay. POLLS.
I don’t understand polls. Who are these people getting polled? Are there people really getting polled? If you want to be a person who gets polled, where does a person sign up for said polling? Can I be polled even though I didn’t participate in the 2010 U.S. Census? Sure, I wanted to participate in the 2010 U.S. Census but I never received anything in the mail for the 2010 U.S. Census. A census taker never came to my door to ask about the 2010 U.S. Census. Am I not an American? Am I now an illegal immigrant? If I am illegal, is my lover Rafael "Ted" Cruz going to kick me out of this country? Am I not an actual person right now? Is 2x2, 4? Do I exist? Can you read this? MOM!
Thanks to Google, Wikipedia and WhereisNellyFurtado.com I’ve found out how polls worked. I made up a poll and took it myself. I didn’t just want to bore with my poll results so I also gathered a sample of random people who have always dreamed of being polled for something. Don’t worry they are actual real people, I didn’t make them up in my head and just pull random numbers out of my ass. I’m not just picturing 2000 people in a lecture hall answering my poll questions and putting down what I assume/ hope they would answer.
After I polled these COMPLETELY REAL humans I just used some normal chemical equations, a few sedimentary regular math things and plenty of igneous common core… and a lot of amphetamines and I’ve come up with some numbers that I feel as a society… are important to see.
POLL NUMBERS – AS OF APRIL 29th, 2016
100% of people who wake up in the morning have survived the previous night
62% of people favor Beyoncé over Crystal Light, but only 39% favor Beyoncé over Country Time
17% of people do not believe the children are our future, but rather “…the demise of civilization as we know it”
(Please let me be clear with that last poll number I need you to really understand it: 56% of people do not believe global warming is destroying our earth, CHILDREN are)
If someone wants to bomb you, they aren’t going to call in or email a threat… according to the poll negative 3% of bombers** will not warn you they are going to bomb you, they are just going to bomb you
Only 12% of people who post inspirational quotes*** on social media actually live by the quote they posted
9% of people believe Aaron Carter is the better Carter brother, and should replace Nick in the Backstreet Boys
57% of people think the Backstreet Boys should change their name to Backstreet Men because it’s creepy to call them boys, especially Kevin.
37% of the time I mix up Madeleine Albright and Margaret Thatcher
4% of that time I think Madeleine Albright is actually Margaret Thatcher
There’s an 11% chance that there is a connection between Margaret Thatcher and Temple Grandin
There's a 1% chance that I could tell you what Temple Grandin is all about except she had something on HBO about her.
99.1% of the time I think that Margaret Thatcher is British.
The other .9% of the time I believe that she might actually be from Canada
I am 98% unsure where my obsession with Margaret Thatcher has come from, but I do know that it only started about 6 lines up
62% of people believe “It’s not a too-mah”
77% of people support the right to carry guns on college campuses because “if they had a gun every time they were in line at a party and the person in front of them kicked the last keg....…”
16% of people believe that Taylor Swift can’t actually “shake it off”
There's a 94% chance I will hold my urine in if another girl comes into the bathroom I’m in
That drops to an 86% chance if a transgender person comes into the bathroom I’m in
I’m 47% not sure what that means
200% of people who don’t use their turn signals on a consistent basis are sociopaths whose mothers never showed them love because even their mom agreed that they "....were people even a mother couldn’t love…”
56% sure I could perform Hamilton in its entirety without having seen it yet
3% of people believe that fire is DEFEINITELY a good way to get a point across.
I’m 24% sure that my vagina stacked against other vaginas would fall under the category of “cute”
**yes I did poll actual/potential bombers (you’d be surprised how into polls they are)
*** ”A dream is a wish you heart makes” Oh yeah? Your heart wished you had sex with your great grandfather when he was 28 because you saw a picture of him and he was super hot? I mean because that was what your dream last night was, wasn’t it, Chandra? I mean random person, not named Chandra
SOURCES: math and REAL PEOPLE
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