Real Deal, or No Deal?
Stop Kony 2012. This is not a post about Kony 2012, I'm not going to talk about Kony 2012, but check out what Kony 2012 is and who Joseph Kony is. Oh, and Kony 2012.
In the past 10 years I have purposely turned my TV to CNN four times; Michael Jackson's funeral, during the earthquake in Haiti, when bin Laden was killed, and Whitney Houston's funeral. To me, watching the news is boring at times and almost always overwhelming. It seems you can never fully "catch up" on a story without quitting your job to watch what develops 24/7. And even if you do that, in due time your electric and cable will be shut off because you don't have the income to pay for it since you quit your job. It's a moot point (or if you are a Friends fan- it's a "moo point because nobody cares about a cow's opinion...it's moo.") It seems as each day goes by and each minute I am one minute closer to my death, I mature a millimeter. With that millimeter my interest in what is going on in the world slowly grows. But like I said, it's hard for me to watch the news, and real life newspapers aren't an option. Four out of fives times during the week I don't even wake up for work in time to pee or shower. Sidebar: I have a suspicious feeling that this is the reason why, when I was sitting in work today I noticed my whole body smelled like feet. Luckily with the invention of Twitter and the 45 minute daily one-way phone conversations with my mother about such people as Newt Gingrich, Joe Biden, Clark Howard and Suze Orman I can get a minuscule grasp on what is going on, and what I should and shouldn't do with my 401k. (BOOM)
Twitter is probably the best thing that has happened to me since nine years ago, when I walked into that dorm room during a college tour and saw that each room had a private bathroom. Initially when I signed up for Twitter I was in it for the Disney Stars, but I did immediately follow @cnnbrk. Mainly so I wouldn't seem too translucent and also I figured they wouldn't flood my timeline with boring things, just the breaking news going on around the world. I recently just celebrated my third anniversary on Twitter. The way I use Twitter and who I follow have changed drastically. No longer do I follow the entire cast of Hannah Montana (just Miley), no longer do I follow Kim Kardashian and her askew view of real life problems. Don't get me wrong, the majority of the those I do follow are friends and famous people, but now I also follow writers that I can learn the ins and outs from, producers who give behind the scene scoops, actors that have important things to say and the local news (both in LA and my hometown). I also follow The Onion.
I've heard of The Onion years ago but never really got it. Fake news? That's weird. One day I saw a retweet, clicked the link and was hooked. It's hilarious and since I find it hilarious and since I "get it", I truly like to think that I'm a little better than those who a) don't read it b) don't get it or c) never heard of it. What can I say? Sometimes I lack tact. So, here I am today, at a new level of maturity daily reading tweets from not only The Hollywood Reporter, ENews and TMZ but also CNN, Action News and ABC 7 and some others. Now, finally, here it comes, what you've been waiting for, the point of this post.
One day, probably about three months ago, I had not been on Twitter for about five hours. As I'm scrolling through my timeline I saw a headline that read "Hot Air Ballon Accident Kills 11" I immediately started laughing as I thought to myself "The Onion did it again, they are clever, witty and funny." I went to the click on the link prepared to make those sounds your nose does when you don't want to laugh out loud but think something is pretty funny. For some reason, before I clicked, I looked at the Twitter handle once more. It turns out it wasn't from The Onion, it was from a reputable news source. I felt confused, a little shocked, and a little guilty that I laughed. But not that guilty that it stopped me from retweeting it and making a joke, only to have a New Zealander (haha reminds me of Zoolander) reply five minutes later telling me to grow up because New Zealand was grieving. I felt really bad and maybe just a bit remorseful, but at the same time, all that would come to mind was Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers telling the story of Roger who was hang gliding, wanted a picture and died.
Ever since that day, I have become consciously more aware that these online news sources are really trying to grab readers and they use they outlandish headlines to do so. I laugh at real headlines at least three times a day now (more than the number of meals a day I eat.) I understand that this is a competitive field and they are trying to keep their numbers up and their followers. I also get that comedy is the way to a person's heart but come on news people, you have to start to word your headlines a little differently. Each time I laugh I become a tiny bit more worried that society is shaping me into the sociopath that I've tried for years to keep buried deep inside of me.
Here we go. I have pulled some of the headlines that I've read in the past two weeks or so. Can you tell which ones are real and which ones are fake without Googling it like a little bitch baby? At the end highlight next to the black blurb and find out which are fake and which are not.
"Angry father bites off son’s penis."
"Baby otters are so cute that it hurts"
"Active video games don't actually make kids more active"
"Robbery suspect calls victim for a date"
"Book claims John Lennon was bulimic"
"Feds: Buying 7 Million pounds of pink slime for school lunches"
"Miracle surgery replaces man's thumb with his toe"
"Grosssssssssssss: semen-tainted yogurt"
"Man registers dog to vote in New Mexico"
"President Obama to talk about college football, Jeremy Lin in upcoming podcast interview"
"Face-palm alert: high school literacy program's sign misspelled"
"Large number of Wall Street workers considered psychopathic"
"50 Cent: Going to Africa "enlightened me"
"Controversy brews as three lesbians are charged with a hate crime for allegedly attacking a gay man"
"Most famous atheist isn't entirely sure God doesn't exist"
"Marijuana users feel less dedicated to work, shocking report finds"
"Wyoming pushes forward bill to prepare for doomsday"
"Kim Jong Il examined hipster beer in final public appearance"
"Cat saves owner's life just hours after being adopted"
"Are men going extinct?"
"North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests in exchange for food aid"
"Steve Jobs banned from Facebook"
"Debate over gay sex in India leads to full-on national confusion"
"How does it feel? Woman cons Nigerian scammers out of $33,000"
"Women occupy toilet to protest wait-time inequality"
"Your parents probably don't like your name"
"Oregon teenager dies after inhaling helium at wild party"
"Writer offers $1,000 bounty to the first person to beat Chris Brown up"
"Brooke Mueller released from rehab"
"INCREDIBLE! High school basketball star shoots hoops while in coma"
"Website turns Mormons gay for all eternity"
All of these are all real, except for "North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests in exchange for food aid"...so the answer is one. One of these headlines are fake.
Crazy right? If you don't think so, then you can definitely read between the lines better than I can. I wish I had your talent, it would have helped me back in 2007 when I wasn't getting the clue as to what was happening when I kept texting a guy for two months and he wouldn't text me back.
P.S. News sources, a little unsolicited advice: when some one dies don't tweet how old they were, end the tweet with "at age..." or "dead at..." Guarantee it will bring more traffic to your sites, people (me) will be more inclined to click and read about someone who has passed under the age of 60 than someone who is over 60.
P.P.S. According to TMZ's Twitter feed today - Amanda Bynes was pulled over by the police for talking on her cell while driving. The officer got all her information and then she sped away. Think about that.
P.P.P.S. I told you guys this post wouldn't be about stopping Kony in 2012. But, if you want, we actually can stop Kony in 2012
In the past 10 years I have purposely turned my TV to CNN four times; Michael Jackson's funeral, during the earthquake in Haiti, when bin Laden was killed, and Whitney Houston's funeral. To me, watching the news is boring at times and almost always overwhelming. It seems you can never fully "catch up" on a story without quitting your job to watch what develops 24/7. And even if you do that, in due time your electric and cable will be shut off because you don't have the income to pay for it since you quit your job. It's a moot point (or if you are a Friends fan- it's a "moo point because nobody cares about a cow's opinion...it's moo.") It seems as each day goes by and each minute I am one minute closer to my death, I mature a millimeter. With that millimeter my interest in what is going on in the world slowly grows. But like I said, it's hard for me to watch the news, and real life newspapers aren't an option. Four out of fives times during the week I don't even wake up for work in time to pee or shower. Sidebar: I have a suspicious feeling that this is the reason why, when I was sitting in work today I noticed my whole body smelled like feet. Luckily with the invention of Twitter and the 45 minute daily one-way phone conversations with my mother about such people as Newt Gingrich, Joe Biden, Clark Howard and Suze Orman I can get a minuscule grasp on what is going on, and what I should and shouldn't do with my 401k. (BOOM)
Twitter is probably the best thing that has happened to me since nine years ago, when I walked into that dorm room during a college tour and saw that each room had a private bathroom. Initially when I signed up for Twitter I was in it for the Disney Stars, but I did immediately follow @cnnbrk. Mainly so I wouldn't seem too translucent and also I figured they wouldn't flood my timeline with boring things, just the breaking news going on around the world. I recently just celebrated my third anniversary on Twitter. The way I use Twitter and who I follow have changed drastically. No longer do I follow the entire cast of Hannah Montana (just Miley), no longer do I follow Kim Kardashian and her askew view of real life problems. Don't get me wrong, the majority of the those I do follow are friends and famous people, but now I also follow writers that I can learn the ins and outs from, producers who give behind the scene scoops, actors that have important things to say and the local news (both in LA and my hometown). I also follow The Onion.
I've heard of The Onion years ago but never really got it. Fake news? That's weird. One day I saw a retweet, clicked the link and was hooked. It's hilarious and since I find it hilarious and since I "get it", I truly like to think that I'm a little better than those who a) don't read it b) don't get it or c) never heard of it. What can I say? Sometimes I lack tact. So, here I am today, at a new level of maturity daily reading tweets from not only The Hollywood Reporter, ENews and TMZ but also CNN, Action News and ABC 7 and some others. Now, finally, here it comes, what you've been waiting for, the point of this post.
One day, probably about three months ago, I had not been on Twitter for about five hours. As I'm scrolling through my timeline I saw a headline that read "Hot Air Ballon Accident Kills 11" I immediately started laughing as I thought to myself "The Onion did it again, they are clever, witty and funny." I went to the click on the link prepared to make those sounds your nose does when you don't want to laugh out loud but think something is pretty funny. For some reason, before I clicked, I looked at the Twitter handle once more. It turns out it wasn't from The Onion, it was from a reputable news source. I felt confused, a little shocked, and a little guilty that I laughed. But not that guilty that it stopped me from retweeting it and making a joke, only to have a New Zealander (haha reminds me of Zoolander) reply five minutes later telling me to grow up because New Zealand was grieving. I felt really bad and maybe just a bit remorseful, but at the same time, all that would come to mind was Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers telling the story of Roger who was hang gliding, wanted a picture and died.
Ever since that day, I have become consciously more aware that these online news sources are really trying to grab readers and they use they outlandish headlines to do so. I laugh at real headlines at least three times a day now (more than the number of meals a day I eat.) I understand that this is a competitive field and they are trying to keep their numbers up and their followers. I also get that comedy is the way to a person's heart but come on news people, you have to start to word your headlines a little differently. Each time I laugh I become a tiny bit more worried that society is shaping me into the sociopath that I've tried for years to keep buried deep inside of me.
Here we go. I have pulled some of the headlines that I've read in the past two weeks or so. Can you tell which ones are real and which ones are fake without Googling it like a little bitch baby? At the end highlight next to the black blurb and find out which are fake and which are not.
"Angry father bites off son’s penis."
"Baby otters are so cute that it hurts"
"Active video games don't actually make kids more active"
"Robbery suspect calls victim for a date"
"Book claims John Lennon was bulimic"
"Feds: Buying 7 Million pounds of pink slime for school lunches"
"Miracle surgery replaces man's thumb with his toe"
"Grosssssssssssss: semen-tainted yogurt"
"Man registers dog to vote in New Mexico"
"President Obama to talk about college football, Jeremy Lin in upcoming podcast interview"
"Face-palm alert: high school literacy program's sign misspelled"
"Large number of Wall Street workers considered psychopathic"
"50 Cent: Going to Africa "enlightened me"
"Controversy brews as three lesbians are charged with a hate crime for allegedly attacking a gay man"
"Most famous atheist isn't entirely sure God doesn't exist"
"Marijuana users feel less dedicated to work, shocking report finds"
"Wyoming pushes forward bill to prepare for doomsday"
"Kim Jong Il examined hipster beer in final public appearance"
"Cat saves owner's life just hours after being adopted"
"Are men going extinct?"
"North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests in exchange for food aid"
"Steve Jobs banned from Facebook"
"Debate over gay sex in India leads to full-on national confusion"
"How does it feel? Woman cons Nigerian scammers out of $33,000"
"Women occupy toilet to protest wait-time inequality"
"Your parents probably don't like your name"
"Oregon teenager dies after inhaling helium at wild party"
"Writer offers $1,000 bounty to the first person to beat Chris Brown up"
"Brooke Mueller released from rehab"
"INCREDIBLE! High school basketball star shoots hoops while in coma"
"Website turns Mormons gay for all eternity"
All of these are all real, except for "North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests in exchange for food aid"...so the answer is one. One of these headlines are fake.
Crazy right? If you don't think so, then you can definitely read between the lines better than I can. I wish I had your talent, it would have helped me back in 2007 when I wasn't getting the clue as to what was happening when I kept texting a guy for two months and he wouldn't text me back.
P.S. News sources, a little unsolicited advice: when some one dies don't tweet how old they were, end the tweet with "at age..." or "dead at..." Guarantee it will bring more traffic to your sites, people (me) will be more inclined to click and read about someone who has passed under the age of 60 than someone who is over 60.
P.P.S. According to TMZ's Twitter feed today - Amanda Bynes was pulled over by the police for talking on her cell while driving. The officer got all her information and then she sped away. Think about that.
P.P.P.S. I told you guys this post wouldn't be about stopping Kony in 2012. But, if you want, we actually can stop Kony in 2012
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