To You, I Am Sorry.

I don't like to admit my flaws, so it was a big milestone the day I tweeted about the only flaw I've ever had:

For those of you who knew, and even those of you who are just finding out right now that I have a flaw, I have some more news for you…I have another flaw.

WHAT?! Chandra! NO!

I know, shocking, but true...

Here it is......

I'm really bad at relationships.

This includes all relationships; parent/child, friend/friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, dog/owner.

I know, you're probably still shocked, but it's still true.  I was probably equally as shocked when I found out myself.

I've recently become aware of this flaw all on my own. Over the last couple years I have become very self-aware. Well not very. My self-awareness comes in brief, random spurts, like at 3 AM on a Tuesday morning when I'm finishing off the last beer of my Miller Lite 12 pack while watching my own YouTube videos, or at 2 PM on a Sunday while I'm sitting in standstill traffic on Sunset looking at my tweets from a year ago.

I just want to let those in my life know that I realize I have a messed up perception of how relationships should function and I truly apologize for the way some of these relationships work. I also want to let them know that, while I'm deeply sorry for the way I act, I'll be 30 in three years; so there is little to no chance that I will change. Well unless I finally grow up and use the awesome health insurance my job provides and I eventually make that appointment with the therapist we all know I'm in desperate need of.

And we're off.  If you are in any kind of relationship with me, here is my sorry list.

I have to throw in a little disclaimer.  Yes, I am apologizing, but I'm also going to try to defend myself the best I can, with what I can only consider: Legitimately. Rational. Excuses.

In no particular order:

1. I'm sorry I don't call you - In my defense, we all know I hate talking on the phone. I'm not much of an out loud talker so if you, on the other end stops talking there will be that deafening dead air which turns into awkwardness. If I wanted awkwardness I would just drive down to the Santa Monica Pier and walk around wearing a two piece. Note: the only person I call regularly is my mother. Also, once I get that therapist,  he'll be on my speed dial and I feel I'm almost at my breaking point, so it'll be soon enough. So remember, “Chandra only regularly calls her mother and her therapist.” Keep that in mind.
2. I'm sorry when you call me and I don't pick up (which happens 99% of the time) - In my defense, 99% of time I keep my phone on silent. Why you ask? Because it's 2012, no one wants to be standing in a line and hear someone's LMFAO ringtone or better yet a Don't Stop Believin' ringtone. Okay, there may also be an ulterior motive for the silent mode. I'll you decide on that one.
3. I'm sorry I don't fart and that you don't believe me - In my defense, that one time in college should technically not even be considered a fart. It was more like air, just passing through my body.
4. I'm sorry that I don't reply to your text within at least two minutes of you sending it, when you know I almost always have my cell phone in my hand - In my defense it's likely that I'm sleeping. Actually it is more likely I'm engrossed in a movie or TV series on DVD, Netflix, Hulu Plus, or the regular old TV, and I just don't want to be interrupted. 
5. I'm sorry that sometimes, only sometimes, I am an angry drunk - In my defense,  it was a lot worse in college.  Back then, it was every night for a straight six months.  Now it's only once in a while where I become a straight up Regina George, and sometimes physically violent. At least now I remember the anger from the night before and can apologize.  I've grown.
6. I'm sorry that if you leave a message, you can guarantee I won't be listening to your voicemail (unless it is a 2 AM drunken voicemail, I can't even promise you then though). - In my defense I usually have 2 or 3 voicemails on my phone when yours comes in. I don't have time to go through them to get to yours. Plus the longer I'm using my phone, the shorter my battery is going to last.
7. I'm sorry that if you do have the rare task of talking to me on the phone, that you will be doing most of the talking. Also, if the conversation is over 3 minutes I will start to zone out and astoundingly situate the words “yeah”, “uh-huh”, “right”, and “really?” in all the correct places after you speak. I don't know how I do it either, but I'm really freaking good at it.
8. I'm sorry if I don't talk to you every single day and maybe I miss a day or two, or eight months, that doesn't mean I hate you. It just means I'm a loner, sometimes I like to be alone. I grew up an only child, I enjoyed it. Ask my mother about the forts I used to make in our rec room using huge blankets and encyclopedia volumes A through N. I wouldn't come out for days at a time except to pee and to eat dinner. Sometimes I just like to be with my own thoughts. Sometimes I like drinking vodka, smoking cigarettes and playing my guitar with my fedora and hipster glasses on by myself. Sometimes I like not showering for 3 days.
9. I'm sorry we sit in two different rooms and don't speak for hours. In my defense - I can only watch CNN for so long and listen to you complain about the same people you complain to me about four times a month. And those rare times that you switch to MSNBC doesn't help. Sometimes I just needs to gets away and watch some ABC Fam yo.
10. I'm sorry that you're fat because I am too lazy to walk you passed the house property lines, but I do truly love you and care about your well being. In my defense - I was never really much of an active person, plus those couple times I was yelled at to walk you, you wouldn't go passed the corner, we stood there, looking like a two fatties standing on a corner. Point three, I do try to play fetch with you, you fetch and come back, but then you act like you are going to bite me when I try to take the ball out of your mouth. Note: I'm just as sad as you are when we part ways, but I stay strong…for you love.
11. I'm sorry when I sometimes tell you I'm going to bed but I secretly go on Facebook and Twitter. In my defense, I need to have complete concentration on the last Facebook stalk of that day and I need to prepare my tweets for the next day and I can't do that with vibrating, red LED light interruptions every five seconds.
12. I'm sorry if I make fun of you more than I compliment you - In my defense, it makes me feel better about myself, and if I get a laugh from the people around us, it's a twofer. Note: I do not make fun of people I do not necessarily like. You should worry if I don't make fun of you. Keep that in mind.
13. I'm sorry I'm not a morning person and don't get up to have breakfast with you and that my day doesn't usually begin until 2 PM, no matter what time I go to bed - In my defense, there was no scrapple in the house, all there was, was pork roll and eggs, and you keep claiming you thought I liked pork roll, but I don't believe I've eaten pork roll since I was like six, and I immediately threw it up, so.
14. I'm sorry if it seems I make it all about me - In my defense, when I was little it was all about me, it was actually too much about me, but now, it's too little about me. I need more. And honestly, I do my best to act like I don't want it to be all about me, but I do, I really do want it to be about me.
15. I'm sorry if you really need to talk about something serious or need advice and I start to blink very rapidly and crack an inappropriate joke about Ethiopia or the War on Terror- In my defense, what would make you think I could give you some life-changing epiphany type advice to fix your problems? I'm 27 and I've got a marble sized cyst on my wrist that's been there since I was 16, I'm pretty sure I have a cavity, I haven't done my taxes yet, I haven't changed my bed sheets in like three weeks, and my mother thinks I'm anemic. So clearly, I have my own problems that I need to avoid right now.
16. I'm sorry if we haven't had any type of communication in a while - In my defense, while absence does make my heart grow fonder at the same time, sometimes, if you are out of my sight, you are literally out of my mind too. I can't help it. Know that you are always in my heart and on my mind, back and bottom, respectively, but you are still there. If that bothers you, call me or something.

So there it is. My apologies.
Also know this:  If I text you, I expect an immediate response,  if I leave a voicemail, I expect you to listen to it, and if I do call you, I expect you to pick up by the 3rd ring. I know it's a double standard, deal with it.

I'm sorry, but I'm not.