Versus: Jen v. Angie
It’s been seven years, seven years people; the gum I swallowed back in 2005 has left my body, the dogs born in 2005 are now 49 years old. A Pope somewhere in one of those foreign speaking countries died. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton had a fight that forever changed the landscape of their friendship. I don’t think I’ve brought any of these things up since 2005, maybe early 2006. Why are we still heavily discussing J versus A? And why do we keep pitting two of the most polar opposite people against each other?
These women are like night and day. Jennifer’s boldest and most controversial move was chopping her hair off for season seven of Friends. Angelina’s is a real tossup between French kissing her brother at the Oscars, in front of the world, or wearing Billy Bob’s blood around her neck. The only things these two have in common are famous dads, easy to pronounce last names and Brad Pitt that is it.
I have a strong love/hate relationship with the tabloids, meaning I only love about two of them and the rest are all bullshit (In Touch Weekly, I will give you props for breaking the Jesse Asshole James cheating scandal). I get that you put stuff on your covers to sell, but are people really still that engrossed in with this story? And if they are, who are these people? Are they from Preston, Idaho? Catch that reference? I want to meet these people and ask them “Why? Why in 2012 are you buying a magazine with the cover stories that read “Jennifer Cries Herself to Sleep Every Night” and “Jessica Simpson Can’t See Her Feet.” (Come on guys, the chick isn’t pregnant, I’ve seen one too many Lifetime movies to believe that circus shit). You people are like the 40 year olds who still have their high school sports trophies on display in their trailers.
I can’t believe people are still saying “Poor Jen.” My reasoning is twofold. First fold – she is in no way poor, she spends like $6,000 a day on her hair, which I am completely and utterly okay with only because she is Jennifer Aniston. My second fold is – SHE HAS BEEN OVER THIS WHOLE SITUATION FOR YEARS. She has been saying this for years.
The only reason I may say poor Jen is because she has to repeat herself over and over again, it’s like every episode of Maury when Maury has to repeatedly say through the hour “You are…NOT the father.”
In NO way am I saying what Angelina and Brad did was right, it wasn’t at all, but it was so long ago, we've got to move on. If people were still bringing up what I did in 2005, I may be in prison because the statute of limitations isn’t up yet (three more years, three more years).
We have got to give Angelina a break, she is doing wonders for children from everywhere but America and you can’t deny she’s a great actress. That’s all I really have for her. I’m totes Team Aniston.
But hey, I bet those two even text each other, laughing at us peasants for still being into this all. In my mind it goes something along the lines of:
Angelina: Hey J!
Jennifer: Hey chica! Como estas?
Angelina: Nothing, just saying hi. Life & Style magazine has been saying you’ve been lurking around our property, looking into windows. Is that what you are doing?
Jennifer: I have! I’m just trying to get that perfect candid photo of you doing an eight ball of coke so I can sell it to OK! Magazine.
Angelina: LMAO, you silly little ho!
Jennifer: You homewrecking whore ;)
Angelina: hahahah ok Star Magazine! lol good times, good times. Oh BT dubs…saw Wanderlust finally. Brad and I loved it.
Jennifer: Aww, thanks! Besos!
Angelina: You, me and the boys* need to get together soon.
*(boys = Brad and Justin)
Jennifer: For sure, for sure. Let’s hit up the Chateau soon. But this time we’re doing car bombs not jagerbombs!! I threw up a kidney last time!
Angelina: Haha! Brad threw up on Pax that night!
Jennifer: lol alright amiga, headed to the salon. I’ll talk to ya, give Brad a frencher for me.
Angelina: will do! He sure does love your frenchers.
Jennifer: oh before I forget, there’s a package coming to your France estate for Shiloh, I got her a my first BB gun, also some cargo shorts, boat shoes, a tuxedo shirt, a Pamela Anderson poster for her room.
Jennifer: oh and some skinny ties.
Angelina: you thoughtful little bitch! J
Jennifer: I know, hasta luego senorita!
I don’t know I just feel like Jen really busts out her Spanish in text messages.
Something to leave you all with…
No one brings up America’s ex-sweetheart Meg Ryan cheating on Dennis Quaid with Russell Crowe anymore.
Who?
Exactly.
FYI, it was Dennis Quaid who cheated on Ryan for many years (yes: years) before she kicked his sorry ass out the door and hooked up with Crowe. I think most people are aware of that by now. The only ones who lied about it was the gossipmagazines, because reality didn't sell.
ReplyDeleteI just researched this and it seems you are correct "Anonymous " ...well played. Although this was brought to light 3 years later, after the damage to Meg was already done.
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