Guest Post: My Eulogy
Since I haven't written anything on here in like two years, and nothing in my mind is worth being documented for the rest of eternity...please enjoy this guest post from my friend Amy, or as many of you know her by her rave name TheAmyMCR.
I wrote her a dark, a little twisted, slightly belivable eulogy at her request that she posted on her blog, and in turn she wrote me one back. I never found a good time to post it because people in the world kept dying so it seemed to be morbid and disrespectful for me to get a eulogy while I was still alive. Almost like a millionaire winning the lottery.
Luckily I have shut myself off from the outside world for a little bit and it seems to me that nobody has died in the last 48-72 hours. (If somone has, DON'T tell me! NO SPOILERS!)
At the end of this if you ask yourself "Why is Chandra friends with her?" My only response would be "What came first? The chicken or the egg?"
Enjoy.
I wrote her a dark, a little twisted, slightly belivable eulogy at her request that she posted on her blog, and in turn she wrote me one back. I never found a good time to post it because people in the world kept dying so it seemed to be morbid and disrespectful for me to get a eulogy while I was still alive. Almost like a millionaire winning the lottery.
Luckily I have shut myself off from the outside world for a little bit and it seems to me that nobody has died in the last 48-72 hours. (If somone has, DON'T tell me! NO SPOILERS!)
At the end of this if you ask yourself "Why is Chandra friends with her?" My only response would be "What came first? The chicken or the egg?"
Enjoy.
Chandra's Eulogy
(Stumble on the three steps on the way up to the podium... swear... apologize... adjust your cleavage... Think to yourself that some dude is going to want to bang you because of how big your rack is)
(Raise your glass)
"First and foremost, I don't know who filled Chandra's coffin with ice and threw some brews in there, but good idea."
(Lean down to hear the person in the front row whisper something to me)
"Oh. That was me. You're welcome."
(Stir vodka and club, sip)
"Chandra was a good friend in real life, but she was a great friend in fake life."
(Take a sip of your vodka and club, you deserve it.)
"Chandra's blog provided an insight to her heart and soul, and that empty spot that was left from her childhood traumas. She was funny, in a lonely kind of way. The kind of person who, if you didn't know her, you may dislike. --But not because she's black. She's the kind of black that won't count on your friend list as your black friend. You'll have to find someone blacker.-- Once you knew her, you just wanted to be a part of her world. Mostly because it involved drinking heavily, threesomes, and really good TV shows."
(Gesture to all of her friends present)
"Remember the time that Chandra saved that child who collapsed on the streets of NYC? You're lying. She never did that. Let's not act like she was a humanitarian just because she's dead. She was kind of an asshole.."
(Long swig of vodka and club, reapply Carmex.)
"Listen, Chandra wasn't a sadsack like all you dickheads.. Lets sit this broad up in a chair and spend the next few hours partying with her like she would've wanted."
(Point to the hot dude in the 3rd row and call it like Babe Ruth called his home runs)
"I'll take you."
(Drop the mic, walk off stage, grab the hot dude by his tie, and kiss him. Not a peck but not porn star makeout. It's a funeral.)
(Stumble on the three steps on the way up to the podium... swear... apologize... adjust your cleavage... Think to yourself that some dude is going to want to bang you because of how big your rack is)
(Raise your glass)
"First and foremost, I don't know who filled Chandra's coffin with ice and threw some brews in there, but good idea."
(Lean down to hear the person in the front row whisper something to me)
"Oh. That was me. You're welcome."
(Stir vodka and club, sip)
"Chandra was a good friend in real life, but she was a great friend in fake life."
(Take a sip of your vodka and club, you deserve it.)
"Chandra's blog provided an insight to her heart and soul, and that empty spot that was left from her childhood traumas. She was funny, in a lonely kind of way. The kind of person who, if you didn't know her, you may dislike. --But not because she's black. She's the kind of black that won't count on your friend list as your black friend. You'll have to find someone blacker.-- Once you knew her, you just wanted to be a part of her world. Mostly because it involved drinking heavily, threesomes, and really good TV shows."
(Gesture to all of her friends present)
"Remember the time that Chandra saved that child who collapsed on the streets of NYC? You're lying. She never did that. Let's not act like she was a humanitarian just because she's dead. She was kind of an asshole.."
(Long swig of vodka and club, reapply Carmex.)
"Listen, Chandra wasn't a sadsack like all you dickheads.. Lets sit this broad up in a chair and spend the next few hours partying with her like she would've wanted."
(Point to the hot dude in the 3rd row and call it like Babe Ruth called his home runs)
"I'll take you."
(Drop the mic, walk off stage, grab the hot dude by his tie, and kiss him. Not a peck but not porn star makeout. It's a funeral.)
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