My VMA High/Lowlights

She’s Just Being Miley

A lot of people (four, four people) have asked me what I thought about Miley’s VMA performance last night. To tell you the truth, I didn’t give the same answer across the board, I feel that is a very hard thing to do with something that was all over the place.

Sitting here now it’s hard for me to find the right words, or any words to describe it. I started getting texts around 6:15 Pacific Time and I will say they and Twitter may have desensitized me a bit when 9:15 came around.

I feel like this next part is going to come off as me defending the performance, which very, very consciously I don’t want to do. I also feel there is a part of me, subconsciously that is telling me to defend it. I want to try and have Miles’ back. Wait. No. I think I got it. I don’t want to defend the PERFORMANCE, I want to defend MILEY. There we go guys. No need to 5150 me.

Okay, here we go…

Um.

Alright, so it’s like this…

“Dancing with Molly”

If we were to base her performance solely on how she conveyed the literalness of the lyrics on stage, she fucking nailed it. That would have been an A+ performance.  I’ve never danced with Molly, I did however dance with a Mary, a Zane, a George, an Arnold and a Ernesto, but never a Molly. I assume though, if I did dance with Molly, what was happening on that stage last night would be exactly what would be happening in my mind. Except that foam finger thing. No. I couldn't even on the highest high loving drugs ever, can't even do that with my own finger when I'm drunk. Ahhhh.

She’s 20

We have to believe and hope this is just a phase. Miley’s only 20, people change a lot as they grow into their 20s. Just like Miley has that tongue out of her mouth fetish thing going on now, I had a fetish that I had to always be wearing two polo shirts and each collar had to be popped at all times. It happens, that’s what 20 year olds do. Sure hers is a tad bit more risqué then what mine was at that age, but I totally think that kids/teenagers in the industry grow up faster than everyday kids.

Due to inflation and other words about  other stuff, last night and what I can only assume many performances in the near future we can directly correlate this  to Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty years (have we forgotten them?)

Yes. It was a traumatizing performance for everyone involved; us, the bears, the foam finger, Robin Thicke’s dad, Alan Thicke, and Alan Thicke’s TV son, Kirk Cameron. Oh dear God, Kirk. Let’s all live and let live, and come to terms that we are stuck with this Miley for a while and she’s not going down an Amanda Bynes path.

Lady Gaga

I don’t know how to say this without coming off as a bitch, but …Gag’s, I don’t think you’ll ever get back up to where you were. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’ll be around and won’t melt into obscurity; I just don’t think people will be buying raw meat and huge eggs so they can dress up like you for Halloween anymore

My Silver Lining- Lady Gaga and One Direction

I love One Direction. I love that they are this 21^st century boy band that has the little bad boy edge, and all their hot, random tattoos (except Niall), and their British and Irish accents. I eat it up. I would do weird last night Miley stuff with four out of the five of them.

I didn’t hear it but apparently when they won best summer song, there must have been some booing. Lady GuGuh did not like that and backstage, she pledged her allegiance to the boy band and told them basically to f- the haters and that they deserved it. I thought that was a really cool thing she did, and I gots the mad respect for her now. So mad, that I want you to pretend that blurb above this one isn’t even there anymore.

Justin Timberlake

Nothing. There is nothing to say, except that if Jesus has already come back to Earth and was like, “You know what? I’ll just inconspicuously mosey around for a while, scope out the situation until I’m ready to rapture the fuck out of all the believers”, he has come back as Justin Timberlake. That is all.

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift’s award show behavior is like a concrete math formula. Every show starts with her candidly getting caught either making a face because she didn’t win, making a face because she was butt of a joke, or mouthing “shut the fuck up” to Selena Gomez (who saw that Tay got caught and seemed like she wanted to be anywhere but there) while her ex’s band mate was speaking on stage. Once this happens, the producers get so excited they tell their cameramen to get on Taylor as often as possible, but now Swifty is on to them. She is on alert for cameras now. The next 45% of the show’s footage is of Taylor cheering loudly when someone she knows wins an award, or dancing like Sweet Dee in that episode of It’s Always Sunny with the inflatable man on the boat (you know, that ep, if you don’t Google it)

All I’m saying is that Tay-Tay and I could be back on good terms if she just fesses up and admits that she’s a bitchy girl. Okay, well we probably wouldn’t be tight because I’m not friends with bitchy girls, but I’d respect her more. Like how long can this “I’m a super nice girl, I’m the victim, I’m a doe with a broken leg, help me” façade keep going? Come on T. Swift. Four albums? Four albums, and only ONE apology song to a guy?

You’re like Dunkin Donuts coffee, you put something in there and no one can quit it.

The TLC Movie

It is always awesome when T-Boz and Chili make an appearance, but even more awesome that the TLC movie is less than two months away. I’m pretty stoked for it, and really think it’s going to bring TLC alive again. I mean, the actresses playing T-Boz, Chili, and Left-Eye are dead ringers. VH1, you done good. Maybe this is the beginning of your network getting back to your hey-day when we had Behind the Music (the original, not the remastered) and Pop-Up Video.

Kevin Hart

What was that man? Seriously?

Okay. Now let's move past this on to more important things like Syri-- oh wait the Primetime Emmys are less than month away!