Corny J… the Netherlands Bred...America's Treat.

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Today is the day of birth of the most important person in my life. No, not Edward from the taco truck across the street from my office with the most amaze carne asada and chicken tacos I've had ever…my mother's. It's Cornelia Johanna Moore's day. 

My friends that personally know her know that she's an endearing person with great stories, who would literally take the shirt off her back for anyone who needed it (just ask Evonne and Odessa, who work at the ShopRite my mom buys her groceries at. Trust me. I was introduced to them during my vacation) 

I've realized that the people who I mention my mother to that haven't had the privilege to meet her personally may get the wrong vibe about her…you know, like that she is racist, loves our dog more than she loves me and physically abuses me with electrical cords.

While I was home I wrote down every single thing she said that I thought were words of a wise, worldly amazing Dutch woman…

So today, on her 82nd birthday, here are some of those wise and worldly quotes and conversations we had together over the 2013 Christmas holiday.

"Lady Gaga is only famous because of her name." 
(what? but yeah. but, what?)

"She's an asshole. Don't sit down for her, Chase. She's an asshole."
(this is when I taunted our dog with his treat after he shit, because apparently he gets a treat just for shitting and doesn't need to do tricks to get that treat afterwards. I get it I guess, I mean every time I shit, I get skid marks, so.)

"I'm getting a cold. I'm not supposed to get a cold."
(she doesn't have faith in things like the internet and peace talks between Cuba and America, but her yearly flu shot does and will never fail her)

"You know what I wish for in 2014? A healthy year for me, a good new year for everybody, except the damn Republicans."
(some of her best friends are Republicans…)

"Beyonce. She's black, right?"
"Yeah."
"At her concert she sang to a terminally ill girl. It was so sweet and nice…actually I don't if it was a boy or girl because they don't have hair anymore."
"Uhh…"
"She's married, right?"
"Yeah."
"To who? I think it's that West, no?"
"No Jay-Z."
"Oh, right. She's good, right?"
"Yeah."
(I loved this because she knows who Kanye West is…kinda, and also knows who Jay-Z is…kinda. although I don't know if she's aware to Kanye's affiliation with the Kardashians, because she is not a fan of the Kardashians, especially Kris Jenner)

"I feel sorry for the man who marries you. You're a slob. It will never last. I guarantee you that."
(I enjoyed this one because it differs from her habitual "You may not ever even get married" quote)

"He's a bastard..."
(this was directed towards a few people…Ted Cruz, a number of Fox News anchors, Frank Taaffe, and Senator Mitch McConnell)

"Is that the Aniston girl?"
"Yeah."
"I think she is cute as a button. She has such a nice figure. I've always liked her."
(Every time she walked in me watching "Friends", or "The Break Up." her praise of Jennifer Aniston was always immediately followed by her disdain for Angelina Jolie and her "extremeness" … like, "I'll never forget the award show and she kissed that guy with the bleach blond hair on the lips who was her brother... and she adopted all those kids from all the different places..." 

"I'm really not worried about you when I die, I am really worried about the dog, though."
(this stems from her fear that if she should pass in her sleep no one would be there to walk Chase for his morning pee and poop. this was followed by us making an agreement that I call her every morning at 8 on my way to work just to make sure she picks up the phone. she made it very clear that she would make it a point that she was home at 11 am EST to answer. the first morning back in LA I called her at 8:05 pst/11:05 est …. she did not pick up… 
[update: she's still alive, she was just outside and forgot]

"Old Years Eve"
(I guess that's the new New Years Eve?)

"You know anal is not a nice word. If I tell people that you call me anal…"
(she complains that I put my clothes I already wore on top of my dressers and leave plugs in outlets even when nothing is plugged in.)

"She's been there for over 20 years. She looks great. She was married… or engaged ...or something... and then that guy died."
(talking about Vanna White every night we watched Wheel of Fortune together)

"What are you doing?"
"Writing."
"A story?"
"Uhhhh…uh, yeah."
"Did it come from your head or did you copy it from somewhere?"
(this was literally the most earnest question she has ever asked me)

"She's not pretty, but she has a nice face."
(some random girl on TV, but wait…what? )


You see? Cornelia J. Moore is a saint and amazing and awesome and spectacular and full of the greatest thoughts ever. I love her and would be nothing without her. 
(Well I am nothing, but without her I would be like NOTHING…nothing)

ik hou van je moeder

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