My 2014 Goals

I once heard in a song I was reading that writing down your goals rather than just keeping them in your brain gives you a better chance of achieving them. I had a goal to do that but it never happened, until now. 

I'm really stoked to write these down and have it on the internet forever  I believe it will hold me accountable knowing people are reading them. I also envision that it will be a great moment in 2167… that according to many sources; gurus, my shrink, and the squirrel who lives on my balcony confirm that will be the final year of life. That will be the year I Google myself and show my children, "That one time back in the year 2014 when I was still in my twenties and  I had goals and dreams a lot better and bigger than giving birth to the five of you, and only really truly loving just two of you."* 

*PARENTS: Don't come at me with that "We have no favorites circus shit."

I have five goals which I believe will be very attainable to accomplish this year and when I complete them I know in 2015 and the years there after each goal will be bigger and harder to complete, but I will wholeheartedly know that I have the tools, mental stability and skin color to do so.

Here they are, these are the things that 2014 Chandra Tahnee (accent on the second 'e') Moore wants to and will by any means necessary, accomplish this year.

1. I WANT TWITTER TO VERFIY ME.

I know and believe 139.9% that if I get that blue checkmark next to my name everything I've done and everything that has been done to me in my entire life will make sense. Sure…I'm a nobody on Twitter. Sure…I only have 300 and some followers (four, it's four some followers) Sure…many of my tweets have erred on the side of racism, sadism, sexism, and humor about the obesity of America's children, but I'm thechandramoore. I'm "The" there can be no other. I'm basically Highlander. What more does Twitter need for me to prove that I am Chandra Moore? My birth certificate?* My passport?** My social security card?*** Whatever it is, 2014 will be the year I figure it out and get that checkmark

*I don't have that.

**It's been expired for three years

***It's laminated…and I lost it.

2. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

I want to be out on a first date at a restaurant or bar, or restaurant and bar, which would be the most ideal situation and just be hitting it off with this stranger. Our first encounter was a meet cute…don't really want to get into it-- but we were in the produce aisle and we both grabbed the same vine of tomatoes. Obviously this is what we'd tell everyone later when in actuality we met on Angie's List because we were both just fed up with Craig's and his ruthless politics and psychopathic mind games. On our date we have so much in common and he laughs at my jokey awkwardness and I at his, next thing we know it's 11:47 PM on a Monday (yes, we went out on a Monday because we both feel Mondays are the new Fridays). I finish my anecdote about the time I actually found a frog in a pond while I was skiing in Manmouth and he's cracking up and feeling it and I just look at him as we finish our drinks in unison and seductively (basically one eye almost completely shut and my other halfway shut, with duck face happening) say "Let's get outta here." And we do get out of there and make sweet love and fall in love and then he reads this as I'm showing our five children (only two I love) in 2167. 

I WANT IT TO BE JUST LIKE IT IS IN THE MOVIES! Let's get outta here.

3. RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE.

Basically I just want to run …in any office that is open to the public.

4. ROAD RAGE THE SHIT OUT OF SOMEONE.

I'm a closet road rager. I throw my hands up (below the dashboard). I yell out f-bombs  (with my mouth closed) for the true fear that I will get shot at. While there is the quality of being a pushover, which I admit I am at times; not saying, flipping off, or getting out of the car when it's clear that someone else was in the wrong is purely out of fear of getting shot or getting my ass kicked mentally while being physically assaulted by an 18 year old.  So in 2014 one of my goals is to stand up against someone who has gone done me dirty on the road. I cannot promise that it will be a person who when sized up looks to be someone who can take me. I CAN promise that it will be someone elderly, disabled or from the state of Oregon.

5.  SING KARAOKE  WITH LORDE THE SONG BEING GANGSTA'S PARADISE.

I have trouble with Lorde. I don't believe in anyway that she is 16, and her facial expressions give me nightmares. Seriously. I had to be prescribed sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep at night without waking up multiple times in a cold hot sweat with my shirt off and half of a Red Vine in my mouth because I had a recurring dream that Lorde was eating my right foot on a plate like it was a steak with me still attached. I was never able to stay asleep long enough for her to take her last bite of my foot and see if she was going to go to my ankle or my other foot next. Even though we have this extremely toxic relationship I think she's super talented and her album is the tits. Having Lorde sing one of my favorite and most guiltiest pleasure songs with me would really help mend fences and help me start to ween off Lunesta because every morning I wake up is like coming out of a 4 day crack binge.

"Got my 10 in my hand and a gleam in my eye..."

6. SECRET GOAL - FIND GOD

Not like "find God" but like physically find him walking down the street or in Ralph's picking up the 10 for 10 Vitamin Water Zeroes. I thought I was close the other day when I saw Hollywood Jesus, but then he walked out of Coffee Bean with his large Ice Blended WITH whipped cream and hopped into his Lexus and I was like nahhh. When I find God, I'll know because he will probably be gluten free and rocking FUBU from head to toe.

2014. Year of Chandra T. Moore

P.S. it's already started. Someone turned off a side street and cut me off. I kept my speed and rode their bumper and when they looked into their mirror I mouthed the words "Fuck you!", since it's still early in the year though I made my mouth and lips look like I asked "You a Jew?" Baby steps.