Tentative Outline of Chandra and Cornelia's Six Days 'O Fun 2014

I’m headed back east for a girlfriend’s wedding this week (surprise, surpriseeee)*

*This is what I hear from every single person I tell  why I’m headed home to South Jersey. 

I decided to take a couple extra days off to hang out with my mother. She has no idea that I’m in another wedding, nor that I’m headed home (DON’T TELL HER!!!!) 

She’s going to be so surprised… first off because I plan on calling her and having a conversation while I’m pulling up to the house and secondly because my friend is super selfish and decided to have her wedding the weekend before Mother’s Day. I may or may not show up with flowers, because let’s all be honest…my present to my mom is basically and should always be … just my presence… but here for your knowledge is my itinerary of Chandra and Cornelia’s Six Days ‘O Fun.**

Wednesday 4/30 - 
 5:55 PM (approximately) —Surprise her… if she doesn’t stroke out because the last time I surprised her for Mother’s Day it looked like that was the way she was going

5:56 PM (approximately) — Break the news to my mom that I’m in another wedding but took extra days off, maybe one LWOP just for her

5:59 PM (approximately)  — Hug and make out with my dog, very, very inappropriately

6:00 PM (approximately) — Have my mom tell me to walk him because he’s so excited to see me that he will pee in the house

6:15 PM (approximately) — Catch up with my mom and have her give me money to get Wawa for dinner

6:45 PM (approximately) — Kick it with my mom, get ready to watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune while she talks about politics every time I’m answering a question correctly and she doesn’t hear how smart I am

8:00 PM - bedtime — Still kicking it until my mom goes to bed 

Thursday 5/1 -

7:00 AM — My mom comes in my room to take Chase out to pee

7:10 AM — Chase sprints back upstairs and goes back under my covers as my mom slowly follows behind and sits on the end of the twin bed I’ve had since I was 11 and has a full conversation about things like what she’s already read in the Philadelphia Inquirer this morning, buying mulch for the trees and if I want coffee as I slowly drift back to sleep as she talks

9:00 AM — My mom comes into my room and asks if I need any laundry done. I just point to my suitcase because all I brought home was a suitcase full of dirty laundry that needs to be done...because I'm still in my twenties

12:00 PM — My mom comes back into my room to walk Chase again. He doesn’t want to leave the bed. I have to get out of bed and walk to the front door so he will go out with her. He does. I  go pee. And I’m up for the day now, apparently

12:09 PM — My mom sees my Chuck Taylors (my gray ones with holes in them and my white ones that aren’t white anymore due to an unsuccessful and impromptu hike) She tells me we are going to get new ones because wearing those make me look homeless and  I have to grow up because I’m basically 30.

12:10 PM — My mom asks me if I want coffee. I say yes. She asks what I want to eat. I say coffee is fine. She yells at me and tells me I need to eat something. I tell her eggs over easy and scrapple.

1:15 PM — I’m done eating. I go to the living room where she is either watching Jerry Springer, Maury, or  The Steve Wilkos Show (wait… no, Steve Wilkos doesn’t come on until 2 PM)

2:00 PM — I drive to the Amish Market in Willingboro to pick up two pounds of the chicken wings my mom loves oh so much.

2:30 PM — My mom eats the wings while intermittently taking pieces and putting them in Chase’s food bowl. I judge her and she tells me it’s a special occasion as I eat my pizza from Brothers. She includes that she has taken the skin off so it’s healthy for him.

3:00 PM to bedtime — Random things, a trip to the shoe store, a trip to Georgetti’s to get the lasagna I adore for dinner,  Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune etc.

Friday 5/2 -

Same as Thursday morning except I leave for the wedding weekend

Sunday 5/4 -

Come back home late morning/early afternoon hungover as SHIT. My mom makes me eggs, scrapple and bacon and pours me a glass of Simply Orange orange juice because she knows that is my favorite brand.

Eat, then head to the living room as I lay down on the couch my mom is sitting on as she is watching MSNBC, she tells me the current events that are being discussed on the TV at that exact moment and during commercials she talks  about how I should email Suze Orman and some black guy that has a TV show that knows about money. I fall asleep.

5:00 PM — I wake up. My mom isn’t on the couch anymore (probably because I kicked her in my sleep) she is upstairs taking her own nap

6:00 PM — My mom makes some wicked awesome dinner with some kind of beef that is so tender and I love

7:30 PM — My mom is watching TV in the living room, I lay on her lap and she scratches my back because that’s my favorite thing ever, and I’m 29

7:35 PM to bedtime — TBD 

Monday 5/5

See Thursday morning. 

1:00 PM — I decide to go to Dunkin’ Donuts, beforehand I drive to Coldstone to buy two gallons of my mom’s favorite ice cream, cake batter with rainbow jimmies

2:00 PM — My mom is happy by this purchase but upset because it’s super melted because I drove to Mt. Laurel to get it and THEN got my Dunkin’ Donuts. 

2:03 PM — Me yelling at my mom for giving Chase a Hebrew National hotdog while I was away 

2:04 PM to bedtime — TBD

Tuesday 5/6

9:00 AM — I’m up changing light bulbs and the air filter for my mom. 

11:30 AM —  Mom and I go to lunch… probably at the 130 diner, because that is her jump off when I’m home. Maybe I suggest the new diner that used to be Harvest.

1:00 PM - 3:30 PM — Cornelia and Chandra just kicking it. I finally start packing up my stuff. 

4:15 PM — I leave for the airport with a pang in my heart as I see Chase and Cornelia waving bye in the driveway. I love those assholes more than life

** subject to change

*** also expect some time periods to be filled with fights and arguments