An Ode To...

This is the second blog post I wrote today. This is the second blog post that mentions cocaine. It's a first of seconds on both accounts.

Last night's episode of 'Girls' had the main character Hannah asking her friend how to obtain cocaine.

"It's for me, to snort, for work, because I'm planning on writing an article that exposes all my vulnerabilities to the entire internet."

 So I decided to do the same except instead of coke, my go to disinhibtor... beer.

I'm a slightly narcissistic person. At the same time I think of narcissism as a defense mechanism, love yourself more than you think other people do, so it doesn't matter if they don't love you as much as you think they should.  I also believe narcissism is directly correlated with vulnerability. 

One of thing the main things that make me feel vulnerable is expressing my feelings towards people I care about, the fear of them not reciprocating always looms over me and is 30% of the reason I sweat profusely everyday. Everyone in my life is someone I admire, in one way or the other. Whether it be their marriage, their job, their intellect, the way they light up a room. My vulnerability grows even more when I express my personal opinions or ideas or something or someone I admire. Do my friends think I'm dumb? Do my friends think I'm weird? Do my friends think I'm crazy? Do my friends think I'm dumb, crazy or weird when I gravitate and relate towards something or someone they aren't familiar with? 

Lena Dunham, the creator of Girls, for those of you living under a rock, wrote this killer piece in the New Yorker last year about Nora Ephorn click here for the killer piece. I think it was after the fifth time reading the essay in 15 minutes that I realized, Lena was my Nora Ephorn. 

We should probably address how my feelings towards Lena Dunham and Hannah Horvath differ.  Well you probably don't think that it's necessary, or you think Lena and Hannah are one and the same, but I have my own personal need to be able to roll both of these names off my tongue as much to as many people as possible  (there's my narcissism).  

Hannah Horvath

Hannah is at times, the girl I reluctantly believe, yet still am, but at the same time, the kind of girl who does the kind of things I wish I had done at 24.

Luckily, I think for the most part when I do something, say something a 28 year old shouldn't probably do, my friends don't look at it as "Is Chandra being serious right now? Still?", rather they laugh and say "Ha, that's totes Chandra."

Watching Hannah I completely see things in her that I still hold on to. It's eye opening. I see that I'm still a very selfish person. I see that when I want some things, and get them, I immediately don't want them anymore. I see that I'm still that entitled girl that believes everything should be handed to me. I see that I'm still the person that doesn't think it's weird I fly back home for a visit with a trash bag as a suitcase.

I also envy her life, wishing I had done the things she does when I was 24. You know, like drinking opium and snorting coke and getting fun regrettable tattoos. I only have one regrettable tattoo, albeit not that tattoo but the actual tattoo. Unlike Hannah, who doesn't regret any of hers.

I also envy her confidence with her naked body in the presence of her better bodied friends and male partners, yet at the same time, she realizes she has been overweight (13 pounds) her whole entire life, "and it's been hard."

Hannah is also much more articulate than I was at 24. When I was 24 I was still struggling between 'you're' and 'your'. Sure, granted she didn't know about Clinton and he got rid of the Glass–Steagall Act...

"...which is why our economy is in the toilet."

 "How did I not know that?" 

"Just read the newspaper. Just read one newspaper." 

At the same time, I have to give props to the other 3 girls because I can relate to them as well. Whether that be feeling like the oldest virgin on the planet, conversing inappropriately with a taken man or not being able to match the feelings of a guy. With those props though, I have to send them to Lena Dunham for creating them.

 Lena Dunham 

Lena is basically my spirit animal...and a genius, not in that order. She is who I want to be, who I strive to be, and who I wish I already was.

I wish I was as articulate as her. Hannah is just as articulate. I think Hannah gets that from her. Don’t get me wrong, I figure out how to throw words together to make a complete, often, run-on sentence. I'm doing it right now. But, if given the same topic and asked to discuss, her response would trump mine, 11 out of 10 times. Yes, she is that articulate, she could do that. 

When Lena speaks, she throws words in there that don't seem like they were thrown in there. She makes it seem like the words she uses, that I would never think to put out there, are as common as the word ‘the'. They are words I would only use after looking them up in a thesaurus. It’s not that I don’t want to use the words she uses, it's just that my brain isn’t that magnificent to keep those words on reserve, she keeps them on deck.

She is also so confident with her body, clearly, the whole world has seen her boobs and her "not suitable for Hollywood standard" stomach, and she's completely cool with that. I'm not even comfortable with that when I'm in bed with a guy. Lights always off. Always.

I wish I was as diplomatic as her. Her diplomatist answers to criticism boggle my mind and make me respect her even more. I get criticized and I immediately go on the defensive, and humorously slam you or another person to take that attention away from me. She's never done that whether it be about nepotism, the lack of diversity or the abundance of her naked body on the screen. 

She throws it back towards the critics subtlety, and I love that. "Oh you think I don't have enough diversity on my show? Okay, I'll cast a black guy as my boyfriend, a Republican  black guy." Yes, we are out there are in the world, I mean, they are out there in the world...

If you look back and study who Lena Dunham is and who Hannah Horvath is and then make a venn diagram of the two, I think you'll see they are very different but the same. I know I do. If I add myself to that venn diagram in this exact moment, I see more in common with myself and Hannah right now.  All I've got with Lena and I is we are both in our 20s...for now.

I'm not an articulate writer, nor an intelligent writer who can make you question your political, social, or religious beliefs....yet. But, one day, I think I will do well as a, "give you a once a week break from your real life" writer. Lena Dunham inspires me to do that and one day it'll happen, so make sure to follow me on Twitter so I will follow you back.