If I Were the Head of a Network...

If there ever comes the day that people can run for the position of head of a TV network, color this my first campaign speech and promise for change. Hopefully my following introductory speech sounds as eloquent as the words of another powerful African American who I daily strive to be like and can only hope to one day achieve to be…Olivia Pope. One love gurrlllll, one love.

What are Nielsen ratings? To me, they don't seem like those weird decimal numbers about rating/share, they just sound like numerical ratings of Lesile Nielsen movies, with Naked Gun 33 1/3 coming in at number one.

Brace yourself.

Here we go...

Helloooo America! Ponder this. What are Nielsen boxes? Who have Nielsen boxes? To those who have Nielsen boxes, will any of you step forward to admit it? I’ve never heard someone say/tweet/blog/Facebook the phrase, “Hey, I have a Nielsen box.” 

You Google these questions and the majority of what pops up is people who have had a Nielsen box, but I’m calling bullshit. I'm sorry I cursed, America, but I'm keeping it real, y'all. It seems more likely that Nielsen plants these people and pays them off to say they've had a box. Apparently if you currently have a box you aren’t supposed to tell anyone. Under the question of how someone acquires a box, The FAQs on the Nielsen website state that it is “Strictly through chance. We cannot ask every home to participate, so we carefully select a sample of homes in your community to represent the entire TV audience. To be statistically accurate, it is essential that our samples be randomly selected. Every household in the United States has a chance of being selected, no matter where it is located."

I’ve lived in a bunch of communities and have never once met anyone with a box.  I mean, statistically and maybe even philosophically and biologically I’m not sure of the odds, rates or reproductive chances of myself ever coming into contact with a person who has a box, but I’ve got my people working on that now.

I’m not a conspiracy person, I'm almost pretty much sure that the Holocaust, 9/11, the signing of the Magna Carta in 1215, and my father’s death all happened, unlike the many people who choose to believe these events never happened. However, these boxes are beginning to make me question conspiracies and basically my whole existence.

Don’t get me wrong, America. I'm still almost sort of sure the Holocaust, 9/11, the signing of the Magna Carta in 1215 and my father’s death all happened, but Nielsen boxes? I think they are a complete conspiracy.

Let us think about it, America. It was 1950 when they first started using these boxes for TV. Yup, that’s right, the 1950s. A time when there were conspiracies like communism and Arthur Miller, and stuff like that. Oh, and Richard Marx and his Marxism stuff, right? Yeah that sounds about right.  Hmm, what else? Oh there was that conspiracy that if you were white or black and drank from the other race’s water fountain, you would in turn, become that race. As you can see, there were more conspiracies than non conspiracies. Why wouldn’t the House on Un-American Activities start up a Nielsen box conspiracy? If you vote for me, I will rip this conspiracy and these conspirators to shreds. 

What kind of world do we live in where we can buy alcohol at our local 7-11 until 2 AM, but we have no say in what stays and goes on TV? We just leave it in the hands of people, that I’m pretty sure do not and have never existed. It's unjust, a damper on our civil rights, and maybe a even hate crime. I have my people looking into that last one.

If you elect me here are some of the things I will promise to try and improve:

A more accurate rating of TV shows.

Maybe once I take down Nielsen, I will rebuild it in God's my own eyes, and those who want to participate can participate. If people should complain about that, my response? It’s just like that season of American Idol. You know, the one you’re still pissed at? The season that Clay Aiken won. Well you should have participated and voted. I mean I guess this scenario also applies if you didn’t vote for a President but your pissed we have the one we have now, but that is less important.

DVR and Hulu.

DVR

If my cable doesn’t work and I call the cable company up and they send a signal directly to my box and it is up and running in a time frame from anywhere between five minutes and nine hours. There has to be some way to figure out and measure what everyone is DVR-ing, when they are watching it, etc. Oh, companies argue they don’t have the man power for that? Well we will just hire more people.  Omg, I just fixed America's unemployment, I created a plethora of new jobs and that’s not even something I really care about (just kidding unemployed people, I’m praying for you).

Hulu

Hulu, I think you guys are on the right track. We just have to figure out a deal with the networks and so they don’t only give you the rights to post the latest five to six episodes. People jump into seasons late, albeit laziness, too many other shows on their plate, word of mouth, accidental stumbling, whatevs. People finish a season and get caught up to the present season. Oh, but wait. You’re already halfway through the present season and all that is on Hulu is episodes 8 thru 13. People aren’t now going to just jump in there, when instead you could have episodes 1-13 on there just in time for February sweeps and bumping up your numbers. This is more of a problem between me and the networks, not you Hulu. I love you, Hulu, I love you. Do you love me?

Cancellations

While I do understand it’s a numbers game, there’s a better way to going about canceling shows. Maybe set a fair and reasonable limit. Something along the lines of three episodes airing and if the ratings don’t suffice, go ahead and cancel. Just be gone.

If a network wants to cancel a show after the three episode probationary period has already aired, they need to burn off the episodes that were already ordered.  I don’t care if its back to back episodes Saturday nights at 10PM, or if you dump the remaining episodes on your network's page or Hulu, just finish what you started.

Here’s an anecdote:

I watched The Mob Doctor. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it was a mix between my deep enjoyment of My Boys, a show that aired on TBS for four seasons starring Jordana Spiro and the gaping hole that will truly never go away due to the disgustingly premature cancellation of The Black Donnellys. The ratings for The Mob Doctor were bad from the get-go, real bad. FOX then decided to cancel the series with four un-aired episodes left. They didn’t just throw them away never to see the light of day though, they burned them off. They played one episode Saturday and the next episode the following Monday and repeated that for two weeks. This is why FOX has a special place in my heart unlike NBC, that has good shows and then they just disappear, without warning (ahem Bent).* FOX learned their lesson I suppose after making Reunion disappear somewhere in the mid 2000s. 

*Can someone give David Walton his own show? Just call it David and have the premise be him sitting in a chair, grinning sexily for 21-23 minutes every week.  (Tweeting this…and also creating this pilot, copyright and WGA register pending)

A Network called ‘Saved’

This is just what it sounds like, if a network is going to cancel a show this ‘Saved’ network can pick it up, i.e. Cougartown to TBS. I would get all the network heads together and we would create this network and appoint neutral parties to run it's daily operations.  You could almost think of it as an entertainment UN, but better and able to do more, fun stuff.

Proper send-offs

My last fix for the time the being would be proper send-offs of well established shows, be they cult-like or critically acclaimed. Josh Schwartz has got it down pat now. Anyone who falls in love with a Josh Schwartz show will never, ever, have to worry about not getting closure from a show (re: Chuck, Gossip Girl & The O.C.). I find it preposterous that a network lures you in year after year, and after all the laughter and all blood from picking at your skin through the drama, and all tears of those we have lost and those with the unrequited love, a network doesn't pick up a show because ratings have dropped. The worst part is they make us wait and sweat for an answer. A network should know and more than likely does know when they are ready to end a show. Give your loyal viewers and your employees a chance to say goodbye to each other. Whether it be a half season order, or a three episode order. Do the right thing.

If you elect me I will not sleep, eat or drink until these changes are in place. Okay, I can't lie to you. I may drink, I'll probably drink, I definitely will drink but the sleeping and eating, we will play that by ear.

Thank you and GOD BLESS AMERICA!