It's 2013, Y'all.
Oh my God, you guys...it's 2013. This is my first post of the new year. It will set the tone for all other posts following. You have no idea how stoked I am to write this. I was going to write one January 1st and continue to write a post a day for the whole entire year. New Years Eve helped defunct that resolution quickly due to my Fireball whiskey intake, subsequent meatball intake (yup, I ate a lot of meatballs around 1:30 that morning) and horrid flight back to LA. So this had to be postponed.
I won't lie, there's pressure. An abundant amount of pressure. I feel pressured to make this astronomically amazing for you, the reader. I feel pressured to make myself feel satisfied as a writer and show myself how I've grown. Shit. Now I'm sweating because of all the pressure. Stop pressuring me.
How do I find the perfect topic to kick off the New Year? How do I try and grow upon anything I've written in previous years?
Well...
I could write about the fiscal cliff. The cliff I would have had no idea about if I wasn't visiting Jersey over Christmas and having MSNBC on 24/7 at my mom's house. Then I could write about the days following where I got my paycheck with less money than usual due to it. Hmm, maybe I can write about how people blame one person for it. I'm by no means a politico, but I find it hard to believe that one person, no matter what party they are affiliated with can solely be responsible for something happening. I don't know? Ah, middle school history is flooding back to me. Checks and balances, perhaps? But hey, don't hate on me. I have checks, I don't know my balance, and I don't balance my checkbook.
Or...
I could write about Chris Christie, the governor of my home state and how much I've developed a massive amount of respect for him over the last few months. I grew up basically to the story of "Republicans are bad, Democrats are not as bad", but he has really proven to be "for the people" and I dig that. I'm not sure my mother does. I think she will, but we will see in my next installment of "Conversations With Cornelia", stay tuned for that one.
Orrrrrrr...
I could write about pregnancy tests in TV and film. I've never taken one, thank God. If I'm ever late, I go back to biblical times and pray for the red sea. From what I can comprehend though, you pee on a plastic white tube and in minutes your world is changed. For me, those scenarios could go a number of ways. I could fist pump in the air while intermittently taking chugs between Miller Lite and Maker's Mark because I'm not with child. I could get in bed and cry because I now know I will not be able to take a sip of alcohol for the next nine months. Or I could Google the closest Planned Parenthood because there is no way I will be giving birth to a child whose father is a producer...of meth. My beef with these tests in media, is everyone touches them. There's urine on it for crying out loud. Oh you judge me because I don't wash my hands every single time I pee? Well you are literally grasping on to urine.
Or...
I could write about my beef (pun intended) with fast food restaurants and their stinginess in the drive-thru with their condiments. Like seriously McDonalds? Only TWO ketchup packets on my super-sized number one? Tomatoes aren't scarce, calm down, and give me six. Don't even get me started on mayonnaise. Yes. I get it, mayonnaise is gross and super-fattening but I come from a European background (obvi), where it is normal to dip your french fries in it. I like to think of mayonnaise on fries as a delicatessen. Fast food joints are horrible with the mayonnaise. You ask for it, they give you one, then like a...and the, fat ass you are, you have to bashfully ask for four more.
Or...
I could even elaborate on the way that fast food restaurants mess up the condiment order in the drive-thru when you get chicken nuggets or fingers, or fries, etc. You roll up to Wendy's and ask "Can I get a five piece chicken nuggets with honey mustard?" You see it on the digital screen verbatim: 1 - 5 piece (honey mustard) They repeat your order to you, you accept it, you pull up to the window, pay, grab your bag and drive off. Once you get home, you look in the bag, and what? NO HONEY MUSTARD! Or better yet, there's fucking RANCH. Like, how does this happen and why doesn't this cause have more attention? If this was a matter of someone calling 911 and ambulances continually going to the wrong address and people dying due to that, something would definitely change. But condiment wise? NOTHING HAS CHANGED. My question, what's the difference between rescue 911 and me getting chipotle sauce for my nugs instead of honey mustard?
Or...
I could write and write, and write about my weird obsession and appearances at fast food establishments.
I don't know. The previous all seem like important issues to me. It's hard for me to narrow it down and really hone in for all of you. By golly though, throughout 2013, I will be trying my darnedest to bring you the hard-hitting, newsworthy, up to the minute blog posts that concern me, make me laugh, cry, and touch myself. Wait. No. I meant to say that concern the world, make you laugh, cry and touch yourself. Wait. No, no, no. I did mean me. I have a blog, duh. Clearly it's always supposed to be about me.
I won't lie, there's pressure. An abundant amount of pressure. I feel pressured to make this astronomically amazing for you, the reader. I feel pressured to make myself feel satisfied as a writer and show myself how I've grown. Shit. Now I'm sweating because of all the pressure. Stop pressuring me.
How do I find the perfect topic to kick off the New Year? How do I try and grow upon anything I've written in previous years?
Well...
I could write about the fiscal cliff. The cliff I would have had no idea about if I wasn't visiting Jersey over Christmas and having MSNBC on 24/7 at my mom's house. Then I could write about the days following where I got my paycheck with less money than usual due to it. Hmm, maybe I can write about how people blame one person for it. I'm by no means a politico, but I find it hard to believe that one person, no matter what party they are affiliated with can solely be responsible for something happening. I don't know? Ah, middle school history is flooding back to me. Checks and balances, perhaps? But hey, don't hate on me. I have checks, I don't know my balance, and I don't balance my checkbook.
Or...
I could write about Chris Christie, the governor of my home state and how much I've developed a massive amount of respect for him over the last few months. I grew up basically to the story of "Republicans are bad, Democrats are not as bad", but he has really proven to be "for the people" and I dig that. I'm not sure my mother does. I think she will, but we will see in my next installment of "Conversations With Cornelia", stay tuned for that one.
Orrrrrrr...
I could write about pregnancy tests in TV and film. I've never taken one, thank God. If I'm ever late, I go back to biblical times and pray for the red sea. From what I can comprehend though, you pee on a plastic white tube and in minutes your world is changed. For me, those scenarios could go a number of ways. I could fist pump in the air while intermittently taking chugs between Miller Lite and Maker's Mark because I'm not with child. I could get in bed and cry because I now know I will not be able to take a sip of alcohol for the next nine months. Or I could Google the closest Planned Parenthood because there is no way I will be giving birth to a child whose father is a producer...of meth. My beef with these tests in media, is everyone touches them. There's urine on it for crying out loud. Oh you judge me because I don't wash my hands every single time I pee? Well you are literally grasping on to urine.
Or...
I could write about my beef (pun intended) with fast food restaurants and their stinginess in the drive-thru with their condiments. Like seriously McDonalds? Only TWO ketchup packets on my super-sized number one? Tomatoes aren't scarce, calm down, and give me six. Don't even get me started on mayonnaise. Yes. I get it, mayonnaise is gross and super-fattening but I come from a European background (obvi), where it is normal to dip your french fries in it. I like to think of mayonnaise on fries as a delicatessen. Fast food joints are horrible with the mayonnaise. You ask for it, they give you one, then like a...and the, fat ass you are, you have to bashfully ask for four more.
Or...
I could even elaborate on the way that fast food restaurants mess up the condiment order in the drive-thru when you get chicken nuggets or fingers, or fries, etc. You roll up to Wendy's and ask "Can I get a five piece chicken nuggets with honey mustard?" You see it on the digital screen verbatim: 1 - 5 piece (honey mustard) They repeat your order to you, you accept it, you pull up to the window, pay, grab your bag and drive off. Once you get home, you look in the bag, and what? NO HONEY MUSTARD! Or better yet, there's fucking RANCH. Like, how does this happen and why doesn't this cause have more attention? If this was a matter of someone calling 911 and ambulances continually going to the wrong address and people dying due to that, something would definitely change. But condiment wise? NOTHING HAS CHANGED. My question, what's the difference between rescue 911 and me getting chipotle sauce for my nugs instead of honey mustard?
Or...
I could write and write, and write about my weird obsession and appearances at fast food establishments.
I don't know. The previous all seem like important issues to me. It's hard for me to narrow it down and really hone in for all of you. By golly though, throughout 2013, I will be trying my darnedest to bring you the hard-hitting, newsworthy, up to the minute blog posts that concern me, make me laugh, cry, and touch myself. Wait. No. I meant to say that concern the world, make you laugh, cry and touch yourself. Wait. No, no, no. I did mean me. I have a blog, duh. Clearly it's always supposed to be about me.
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